The Angels
by ginnyinvisible
Summary: When Edward left during New Moon, Bella never found Jacob and never moved on. They meet again in Roberts High, Oregon, five years later, but Bella is now part of the Angels, a dangerous gang that strikes terror into the city and may be more than it seems.
1. Chapter One

**Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**When Edward left during New Moon, Bella never found Jacob and never moved on. They meet again in Roberts High, Oregon, but Bella is now part of the Angels, a dangerous gang that strikes terror into the city and may be more than it seems.**

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**EDWARD**

It was the first day of school. Again.

We had moved, again, never staying in one place for long. I didn't care. Time didn't matter, the place didn't matter. The world was dead to me.

She was gone.

Time passed, long, blanks of hours I couldn't remember, and agonizing seconds of pain. One being couldn't suffer this much torture, it was impossible.

Especially when he didn't want to try.

The lifeline was always tauntingly available, the plane ticket to Washington I bought then tore into shreds countless times. Her window was fixed in my mind, forever open. I just had to go back, scale the wall, and she would wake from her sleep, startingly beautiful.

I didn't care how many times we moved, how many schools we attended, how many identities we assumed.

Forks would always be my home.

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Two males, who looked about twenty- strange, the oldest in high school was usually eighteen- blocked my way, and snapped me out of my reverie. They were both tall, one blonde and one dark. Both wore black clothing and silver jewelry. It was strange, how the rest of the students, hurrying, talking, laughing, parted as they passed the two boys in black attire, leaving them plenty of space. Strange.

I looked down, not looking at them, and continued on my way to the cafeteria, for another lunch where would I eat nothing, think of nothing, trying not to remember _her_.

They moved, stopping me.

My patience was used up. I lifted my head, glaring down at them. I didn't really care if I looked dangerous right now. I didn't really care if I scared them. I was beyond that.

It was startling when they didn't looked fazed at all at my angry stare, only smiled a little. I knew I looked dangerous when I let myself look like a vampire, I knew most people were frightened when that happened. Strange.

"I would advise you and your family to leave, and quickly. You are not welcome here," said the dark-haired boy, still smiling slightly.

I looked into his eyes, they were human, and he smelled like a human, appetizing with a strange tinge of something. He had a heartbeat. What was he talking about? I looked into his mind, but was met with drabble._ I've got to get to lunch, I've got to get to lunch, I've got to get to lunch._ Strange.

"Thanks for the advice," I said shortly. "We'll stay."

He smiled again. "It's your choice." He moved on, to the cafeteria, and the blond-haired one followed him.

I didn't like to be confused. I wasn't normally confused, except when I first found I couldn't hear the thoughts of- I cut that thought off. I didn't want to think of her, it hurt too much.

"I wouldn't get on their bad side," someone commented, from behind me. I turned around. It was a dark-haired girl, looking after the two boys. "They're part of the most dangerous gang in the city, The Angels. They pretty much rule it; everyone's frightened of them. You don't want to know what they can do."

My face stretched in an unnatural smile; I was so unaccustomed to having that expression since her birthday that it must have appeared more like a grimace. "I can take care of myself." That was the one thing I was sure of.

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_I don't like this school,_ Jasper thought, _It's filled with fear, pure fear..._

I shook my head slightly, trying to calm him down. The emotions he was picking up from the crowded cafeteria were spreading to the rest of family, and we had nothing to be frightened of. There was nothing in Roberts High, or the entire city of Salem, Oregon for that matter, that could hurt us. We were inpregnable. Indestructable.

I saw Alice hold Jasper's hand, stilling the wave of terror that was washing over us from his direction.

It was silly. I shook off the foreboding that clung to me like a cobweb. This was nothing, only a human problem.

If a large, potentially dangerous -to the humans- human problem.

I knew what was causing the fear to settle like a dark fog over the cafeteria, constantly in the thoughts of the students as they walked past their table with their food.

The Angels.

They were a gang, a group of six girls and five boys, that were more dangerous than they seemed. Thoughts swam up in the minds of people as they looked towards the table of all-black-wearing students, looking much older than the seniors they professed to be.

_Walk by quickly, don't look at any of them,_ a curly haired brunette thought quickly, panicky, like a mantra as she hurried past their table, head down. _I remember what they did to Sandra at night when she stared at them during lunch... Walk by quickly, don't look..._

It was wrong, evil, that _humans_ could instill such terror into a community.

Even the teachers were frightened. _Don't want to get on their bad side... That girl dropped a wrapper on the floor, but I'm not going to ask her to pick it up... It's not right that a teacher should be afraid of an eighteen year old girl. It's like they're the ruling force at this school. Is she really eighteen? She's sure been held back a lot if she is..._

I looked over at their table. Two girls were missing, but the rest were sitting there, either talking about something or staring darkly over the cafeteria. One boy was reading.

The clothes of the girls were pretentious- tight black tank tops and short skirts with silver, thick belts. They wore fishnet tights or high, kneelength black boots. Their bare arms, surprisingly, were muscular- not unusually, but it was obvious they could take care of themselves. The hair of all the gang members was dyed, black with ostentanious green or blue highlights. The males wore black shirts that hardly masked muscled chests, unrivaling Emmett, yet still extraordinary.

Every face was hard.

They wore individualized silver bangles, chains. However all of them wore a simple silver chain that held a piece of white rock; it might have been ivory, or mother of pearl by the strange sheen. Strange.

I looked into their thoughts, curious.

_Why do we have to keep this facade of going to school? Only Matt and Anita haven't completed high school already. Most of us have our bachelor's degree already from correspondence school. It's so... monotonous... sitting there having those stupid teachers tell us stuff we already know._

Matt and Anita. Those must be the names of the two younger ones... the girl was leaning into the boy's side. _Mmm..._ she thought, _I can't wait till tonight..._

I quickly blocked her thoughts. Ugh. I had enough of that from Emmett and Rosalie.

Then the two last girls walked out of the lunchline, and sat down.

My brain froze.

No.

No, it couldn't be her- that was impossible, why would she be in Salem, Oregon? And she wouldn't be in this horrible gang...

But, the smell, the face...

Oh, it was different. It was more mature, harder, and her once-warm brown eyes were cold, with a tint of silver. Dark eyeliner and mascara lengthened her lashes so she looked less innocent, less trusting. Her hair was no longer soft brown; it was dyed pitch black, and cut so that most of it was shoulder-length and the bangs were uneven, falling across her face defiantly.

But it was her.

Her clothing style was similar to the rest of the lunch table's- a short, black skirt, cut in strips that flared out as she walked, held by a thick, studded belt. She wore thigh-length black boots that molded themselves to her attractive legs, fishnet gloves that left her fingers free, and the same pendant the rest of the table wore.

It was strange, unnatural; whenever I imagined her over the last five years that- that we'd been seperated, I imagined her how she had been before. Wearing greens, blues, browns, light sweaters and shirts with her jeans. Bella. She wasn't... right like this.

She had changed.

My eyes tightened. I had wanted her to move on, yes... but not change from the innocent, loving, sweet girl that had made me, a vampire, fall in love with her. I watched her as she set down her lunch tray, laughing at something the boy next to her said. The laugh was dark and sarcastic. Nothing like the laughter I loved so much.

What had I done to her?

And who was she now?

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_What is it, Edward?_

I flinched. Of course Jasper would feel my tension. I forced myself to relax, smiling and shaking my head, hoping to convey that I was fine.

He was not fooled, and scanned the room, eyes stopping at Bella, and they widened, shocked.

_Bella! What... what is she doing... here?_

What indeed?

"God!" Rosalie's imperious, scornful voice snapped me out of his thoughts. She was glaring at me and Jasper. "Do you know how irritating that is? To know you two are having a conversation, and we can't hear?"

"Sorry." I pulled my eyes back down to my uneaten lunch. "It was nothing."

She was not so easily fooled, and neither were Alice or Emmett.

"You're all tense. What did you hear?"

I sighed, and pointed with my eyes towards Bella's table. "Look."

They followed my eyesight, and stiffened as they saw what had captivated my attention.

"Bella," Alice breathed.

She then looked at me, gazing into my eyes with her ocher ones, conveying her thoughts straight into my mind. _Edward, look, this only confirms what I've been trying to convince you. You're SUPPOSED to be together, even fate agrees with you. Of all the schools to move to, we picked THIS one, and so did she._

I avoided her eyes, looking back to her table, listening to the conversation.

"Bella? What time should we meet up after school?" The dark-haired male who had spoken to me in the hallway- the thoughts of the girl, Anita, named him Zac.

Her voice, still so clear, so beautiful, yet hardened, tinged with scorn. "I have detention for speaking up to the new teacher. She obviously doesn't know how things work around here." She laughed. "I'll skip last period, so I'll meet you at your place then?"

Alice, sitting next to me, drew in a breath.

_Who are they? These new friends of Bella's?_ she asked.

I shook my head. I'd explain later.

Once I'd actually found out, myself.


	2. Chapter Two

**BELLA**

Lunch was monotonous. The seconds dragged on, a eternity of boredom, the clock on the wall of the cafeteria refusing to move faster than the sluggish pace it obstinately clung to.

Valentine pulled me through the line, piling my tray with the disgusting grease they called food. She was what I could call a friend- the best I could ever hope for. She stuck up for me, helped me make it through this gloomy torture they called life. Drove me home when I was too drunk to drive myself. Bought the pregnancy test at the dollar store after every one night stand. Laughing with me at how fucked up the world was, and crying with me when the pain got too unbearable. She understood.

They were all my friends. Closer than friends, actually, more like a family. Eleven people, pushed together by one common cause, one common hatred. All our energy was focused into fulfilling that, the one thing that was important, so that it distracted us from our miseries, our agony-filled memories.

We were all damaged, broken beyond repair.

And we had one thing to blame.

We would have revenge.

I wasn't sure why we called ourselves the Angels. It had just come into being, and we had gotten accustomed to it. We were anything but angelic; my face twisted into a sneer at the thought. All of us had killed, multiple times. There was no substance we had not tried. And my virginity, like that of all of the others, had been lost long ago. Morals didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Except our purpose.

No, the term of Angels just seemed to fit; maybe because it was such a drastic opposite to how we actually were. Maybe because we saw ourselves as a vengeful force against what shouldn't be. Punishing those for what they did, and what they had potential to do. Striking, surprising, killing for what they deserve. Angels.

Now, unfortunately, we had to suffer through this endless boredom they called school. We were all posing as seniors, though hardly any of us were. I was almost twenty-three, and Keith had just turned thirty-one. I had already earned my bachelors through correspondence school and was working on my masters. We had already learned everything, so sitting through lectures about the history of the Czech Republic grew so repetitive that we were actually able to think.

And that was always dangerous.

We had to keep up this parody of being innocent students- as much as we could- for now, though. It was the best way to keep a vigilant eye on all activities, newcomers to the city.

I sighed and set down my lunch at the table. I had mindlessly paid for the food I would probably dump, left the lunch line, and found my way through the crowded cafeteria to the table we had occupied for the last two years. It was pleasing that the other students shied away from me, broke apart and left a clear path as I passed by them. They knew what we could do.

I would have to get through the day. And then, once the lights in the houses flickered off, past midnight- that was when the excitement would being.

"Looks like Anita and Matt made up. Again," Derek muttered from beside me. I looked across the table. Anita was practically in Matt's lap. I laughed, noting how harsh the attempt sounded. Anita and Matt were constantly involved in furious, screaming arguments that left the rest of us bringing out the ipods and earphones, yet they always managed to make up by nightfall.

Their relationship didn't bother me like other people's did. I remembered how I would walk by people making out in the hallways, holding hands, and it would remind me of _my _high school romance, the one that changed my life, the one I had thought was infinite, forever...

The one I had believed was real.

With Anita and Matt, however, it was different. Their relationship was passionate, emotional, yet empty of real love. If one of them left the other, there would be no pain, for they were prepared for that. Their relationship was simply to brighten the bleak day, and add excitement to the nights. There was no love, for we had all be through too much to risk our... selves that way again.

After all, we knew the truth. There was no such thing as love, only infatuation, and lies.

I brought my attention back to the conversation. Derek was expressing his irritation with the English teacher we both had. She was new, so she didn't know the rules yet, which were basically that no member of the Angels could be limited in any way. She had attempted to criticize me when I moved from my assigned seat to sit next to Derek, and I told her to fuck off. For my "language", she had assigned me detention. I was still simmering over the incident.

"...someone needs to let her know how things stand," Derek complained. "This bitch thinks she can just sit there and look at us without shaking in her two inch heels. We need to empty her mind of that shit. Tonight."

"Yes," smiled Zac, "let's introduce her to Salem, Oregon."

Angelica laughed, neatly tossing her untouched tray into the nearest trash can, two tables away. "Sounds good."

Zac turned to me. "Bella? What time should we meet up after school?" I was going to spend the night- at least the part of it I spent sleeping- at his house, for I had recently been kicked out of my apartment and was staying at the places of different Angels until I could find a new one.

"I have detention for speaking up to the new teacher. She obviously doesn't know how things work around here," I answered, laughing harshly. "I'll skip last period, so I'll meet you at your place then?" Who cared about Gym, anyway.

He flashed me a grin. "Okay." He slid an arm around my waist, muttering in a teasing tone, "We could have some fun until we have to deal with this pesky teacher."

I grabbed his hand from my hip, twisting it around painfully as I kneed him in the groin. "Zac, we have more important things to do. I'm not _that_ much of a slut."

He barely flinched at my attack, which was impressive as I'd been working on the knee jab for a while. "I'll be waiting, then, for when the important things are over, hmm?" he answered seductively. He stood before I could knee him again and walked over to the trash can, dumping his tray.

I laughed and imitated him, grimacing as the slimy pizza slid off the pink styrofoam. There would never be a real romance for any of us, but there was no harm in pretending, even if we could never actually move on.

Zac walked me to my next class, silently. In the hallway, the teasing was over. He knew we had to keep up our story. He was probably even more serious about our cause than Keith was. He has reason to be.

I stopped at the AP Biology doorway, and sighed. Another hour and a half of monotony. Maybe I should just skip this class too.

Zac seemed to gather what I was thinking from my sigh. He squeezed my arm encouragingly. "It's worth it," he breathed in my ear, then let go and walked on down the hallway to his class.

I stood there for a couple seconds as the bell clanged, then entered the classroom.

Hearing a small intake of breath, I looked for the sound.

I met a pair of enchanting topaz eyes, pools of gold.

**EDWARD**

As I walked from the cafeteria with my family, I was met by an onslaught of their thoughts.

_Bella is here. I can't believe it!_ thought Alice. _I- I hope she'll still want to speak to us..._ Her thoughts were flavored with uncertainty.

Rosalie's were as well. _This puts us in a strange position. What do we do now? More specifically, what does Edward to know?_ I quickly moved on to Jasper.

He was speaking straight to me. _Edward, I can feel your pain, your worry. You can't let it cloud your judgements. Edward, I have no idea what Bella is doing with these people, and I know you're going to have to deal with that, but this gang is dangerous. I can feel it._

We walked through the cafeteria doorway, me glancing back once. I immediately regretted it. Bella was leaving the cafeteria through another exit, walking with the dark-haired boy- Zac. I smothered the pang of jealousy. Why was I feeling jealous? There was so much more to be worried about.

So much.

I had left her- for what? So that she could live a normal, happy life. And here she was, in Oregon- Oregon!- in this gang, the Angels. With her hair dyed black and her eyes cold. Was _this_ what I had wanted for her?

My thoughts carried me to my next classroom, and I entered, taking my seat. I stared at the wall, brain deadened, as the rest of the class entered loudly, filling up all the seats except the one next to me.

Finally, as the bell began to clang, one last student entered, standing in the doorway.

Bella.

Her face was resigned, annoyed. I remembered what I had heard that girl- Angelica- thinking, that they had almost all completed high school, that them being in school was only a "facade". Bella must have been one of those; she had been eighteen when I... left her, and that had been almost five years ago. She must be twenty-two, maybe twenty-three by now.

What was she- all of them- _doing_ as a senior then? The whole gang, the whole situation was strange.

She turned her head, and I gasped. I was still just as fascinated by her face, attracted by the faint blood in her cheeks. After all these years, I would never stop loving her.

She heard my breath and turned to stare at me.

Suddenly, the classroom disappeared, the students disappeared, the slight murmured conversation went silent.

All that mattered, all that _existed_ were her chocolate eyes, gazing straight into mine.

I stared back, unable to break the connection. _Bella, I love you, I want to stay with you forever, please forgive me, I love you._ I attempted to convey my thoughts in the golden beams I sensed were traveling between our eyes.

Then she sagged against the doorway, and the connection was broken.

Her eyes were suddenly lidded, and I felt as if an iron wall had been thrust up around her. Protecting her. Yet I could still see the blush in her cheeks, and hear the accelerated rate of her heart.

She looked around the room, avoiding my eyes, searching for an empty seat.

I swallowed. Fate did seem to conspire against us, thrusting us together. The single available one was next to me.

She made her way, silently, through the desks, and pulled back the empty chair. It made my skin prickle, for her to be so close after so long.

Yet as she sat down, she tossed her dyed jet black hair around her shoulder, blocking her beautiful face from my sight. She didn't seem inclined to comply with Fate.

The teacher- Mr. Stohl- began attendance. I was near the beginning, and I felt her flinch as he called, "Edward Cullen."

The rest of the class passed in an unbearable haze. I was sitting right next to her- _right next to her-_ and she wasn't talking to me, acknowledging me, even looking at me. Her hair stayed over her shoulder, blocking my gaze, the entire time, and I could see that her hands were clenched, holding the sides of the chair she was sitting in, tendons bared.

Only once, while getting out her notebook from her bag under the desk, did she accidentally meet my eyes, which had stayed on her the entire period.

Her face was twisted, fury and hatred pouring out of it. Her eyes were cold with hostility, and her mouth was bared in a grimace.

I recoiled.

She hated me.

I did not attempt to meet her gaze any more for the rest of that never-ending hour and a half.

Thoughts swirled in my head as I pretended to pay attention. What did I do now? I had left to save her, but she was obviously not better off. She didn't want me, though. She hated me. I tried not to let that hurt as I acknowledged the fact. It didn't matter, did it, as long as she was safe and happy?

But she was not safe and happy. She was part of the Angels, a gang that tortured, killed, committed heinous crimes. Was Bella involved in that? Was that the life I had left her to have? Was it right for me to leave her now, to leave her in this dismal, ferocious, pain-filled existence?

I knew I was lying to myself. The real reason I wanted to stay was that I was hopelessly in love, not a miniscule bit less than I had been five years ago.

And I would do my best to get her back. To get _my_ Bella back, the sweet, innocent girl I knew, the Bella I knew was still in there, deep inside the shell she had created for herself. That I had forced her to create. Even if I never had her again, even if she never loved her again, I needed to save her.

I realized the class was standing up, gathering materials. It must have been the end of class. Bella stood up from beside me, and as the bell began to ring, she began to walk extremely quickly through the desks, racing to reach the door.

"No, Bella, wait!" I called after her, leaving my things as I sped after her. I caught her about fifteen feet away from the classroom, already in the middle of the loud throng of chattering. She had her head lifted defiantly, not looking back as she walked quickly, yet I easily kept up.

I put my hand on her shoulder and stopped her, turning her body to face me. "Bella-"

She jerked her shoulder away from me, glaring. Then she whipped a small silver knife out of her bag, and held it to my throat, pressing me against the lockers as she brought her face up to inches away from me.

"Don't touch me. I don't know what you're doing here. I don't care. Just stay away from me," she whispered harshly.

Then she let her hand drop, and moved on.

I sank to my knees, stunned.

What had I done?


	3. Chapter Three

**BELLA**

My head spun as I left the building.

Edward was here. In Oregon. Attending the same freaking school!

Was it a coincidence? Or did he track me here? Why?

I realized my hands were shaking with anger. He was the boy I loved, adored, gave my everything to, when I was eighteen. Young and innocent. I remembered clearly what he had done with the life I had thoughtlessly flung at him.

He threw it away.

_"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."_

The memories attacked me, crashing over me like a wave. I remembered how I had felt when I had realized the truth, that he didn't _want_ me... And after all these years, just seeing him again brought it all back...

_"I'm... tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human."_

I had always known a human would never been good enough for him. Yet, at first I wondered why if, he had never had any love for me, he had stayed with me for so long. Told me he loved me. Told me I was important, promised he would stay with me forever.

It had been a long time till I finally realized that I had been blinded by his beauty, dazzled by his vampire eyes. That underneath, he was so much more, as I had told Jessica, and at the same time, so much less. He had simply enjoyed leading me on, enjoyed making me, a mere human, fall in love with him. The time I would be alive was so short that he could easily get involved and then forget me. Just a bit of fun.

If only if I had realized that was all it was. If only I hadn't thought it was so much more.

_"You're not good for me, Bella."_

And so it finally got too much, he got bored and decided that waiting till I died was too long. That he wanted to move on. That I was no longer interesting enough, that it had gone too far.

_"Well... I won't forget. But my kind... We're easily distracted."_

That was all I had been. A distraction. He had gotten bored with someone else, come to Forks, and decided making a silly human fall in love with him would be an interesting experiment. I must had appeared so _stupid_... I remembered when he asked me whether I really thought I cared for him more than he cared for me, and I admitted that I did. What thoughts must have been going through his head then? _Hah, she adores me. Another conquest. I really am good at this, aren't I? I wonder when I should dump her. Maybe keep her for a little while, she's entertaining._

I had deserved it all, though. Deserved it for being little Bella Swan, completely infatuated and drowning in her first love, adoring his every smile and fainting whenever he looked at her.

Now, I was not.

I clenched my fists, stopping the shaking. It had taken five years. Five long, brutal years, in which I had done everything- _everything-_ to forget. I had moved from Forks to Jacksonville, and then here to Salem. I had stopped reading, stopped cooking, stopped doing anything that reminded me of the old, little Bella Swan. I made myself a new person. I joined the Angels. I built an iron fortress around me, cold and impenetrable, not letting myself feel anything for anyone. I pushed Edward to the back of my mind, as much as I could, but he never left.

His face was always there, whenever I closed my eyes.

_"Don't worry. You're human- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."_

So wrong he was.

Still, I had hid it. My voice was hard and my temper short. I never let anyone know what I was feeling. My fortress had never been pierced.

Until now.

When he looked at me, with his glorious, golden eyes, they had instantly dissolved the walls that had taken five years to build. I had looked into his eyes, for a few seconds that felt like eternity, and I instantly remembered every second, every instant I had with him, every feeling I had felt when I looked into those same, unchanged eyes as a innocent teenager.

And for those few seconds, I became her again.

Unwitting, weak, so unlike the strong Bella, I was today a member of the Angels, my replacement family.

The strength of his gaze had bored into me, crushing my wall into powder, beaming back into my mind, carving a laser scar that would never disappear. Just like the millions of other scars I had all over me, invisible, yet there all the same.

I had collapsed against the wall, showing my weakness once again, trying frantically to remember why I could not show my love, my adoration for him.

Because he had destroyed my life.

During the rest of class- which of course I had to spend next to him- I avoided his gaze the entire time. I didn't know what to do- to talk to him, to ask him why he was here? Ask him how was his health, comment on the weather? I snickered at the thought. Plus, once I looked into his eyes, I would probably forget what I was going to say.

Then I dropped my pencil.

_Fuck!_ I thought to myself. _Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck!_ Out of the corner of my eye, I could have sworn I saw him smile. I didn't want to be clumsy in front of him. I didn't want to let him see me be weak. I didn't want him to know how completely he had torn down my walls the instant he looked at me. How completely he still affected me.

Because I knew my feelings were not returned.

In the millisecond before I picked up my pencil, I saw the small smirk on his face widen.

It pissed me off, and I glared at him furiously as I picked it up.

He thought this was all _funny_! It was _amusing _that after all this time, after all I had worked for to let myself live- in a way- he had come back and ruined it all. And I- idiot that I was- was in danger of falling in, just as beguiled as last time.

That would not happen. I wouldn't let it. I couldn't let him see how close I was to falling onto his chest, crying, begging for him to say he loved me, that he had been lying the whole time.

_"Wait," I begged. I reached out to him, and he reached as well. Wild hope rose up in me, though I knew it wasn't real. Then he took my hands, and pinned them to my sides. "Take care of yourself," he whispered. And then he was gone._

After five years, after all I had done to try to pretend to the world, pretend to _myself_, I was still the same. Lovesick and foolish. And I still would be, as long as he was here.

And I knew what I would have to do.

I would have to involve the Angels.

And I would not be weak.

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . .**

"Bella!" Zac looked surprised and relieved to see me. He had been waiting in front of his bottom-floor apartment. Hmm. "You didn't get your car from the parking lot, why did you walk by yourself?"

_Because I was fucking pissed and in love at the same time and I knew that I was doing the exact thing I had promised myself I would never do again and didn't want to talk to anyone about it._ "You can fucking get out of my fucking business, why do you ask?"

"Woah, you're in a bad mood today, aren't you?" He walked up and looked into my eyes. I didn't know if they were filled with angry tears or not, but to be safe I whipped my hair across my face, hiding them. "What happened between lunch and now that has you falling to pieces?"

Damn overobservant Zac. "Nothing."

He laughed. "Bella, you've never been a good liar."

His words startled me enough that I looked up. That sounded familiar. Hadn't _he_ said something like that before?... Searing, flaming anger welled up, then came heartbreaking pain.

I staggered with the force of it.

Somehow, Zac half-led, half-supported me into the apartment. I couldn't see, because in front of me was _his_ face, his pale white face with soft, dark bruises under his eyes, bronze hair falling casually across his forehead, and his topaz eyes, burning into me as I walked in the Biology door... His shocked expression as I held a knife to his throat, full of pain and regret...

I pulled myself out of it with great effort. He could be regretful if he wanted. Was he regretful that I was an Angel now? That I had dyed my hair black and wore different clothes? That I had changed from the little Bella Swan who had witlessly fallen in love with him as he laughed?

Or was he regretful that fate had pushed us together, that he had happened to move to _my_ city, that now he had to deal with me, the annoying human problem, again?

He didn't care what it was doing to me.

"Bella, are you okay?" his anxious tone sounded strange with his normally sarcastic voice. My vision cleared to see Zac leaning in front of me. I was on his couch, and I pulled myself up hastily. A member of the Angels didn't _faint_, or whatever it was that I did.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

He didn't look like he believed me. "Tell me, Bella, what happened. We're both Angels. Nothing can hurt any one of us without all of us having revenge. We _will _take care of the problem."

I sighed, then told him, ripping the name out like an obscenity. "Edward Cullen."

He stared at me, face clearing in recognition and realization. "The... that _vampire_ who left you and ruined your life?"

I sighed. "Yes." His face now twisted, to reveal horror. "He's here. In Salem. In Roberts High. In my fucking _Biology _class, sitting right fucking_ next_to me!" I realized that I was standing now, screaming. My hands were clenched into fists and I looked ready to attack someone.

He looked down, now sounding as if he was talking to himself as he murmured, "We'll solve this. It won't be harder than any of the others, even if the rest of the family is with him. It won't be any different. Right, Bella?"

It took me a moment, for I knew it was different, completely different. "No," I choked out. "It's the same. We deal with it the same."

Zac sat there, looking at me for a couple seconds. I wasn't sure what he was seeing in my face. Then he spoke. "Bella, you don't need to hide it. We've all been through that, and we're all still going through it. All of us. That's why we're here, that's why we're together, and that's why we're doing what we are. To the outside world, it's right that we only show our exterior, the exterior of the Angels, because the outside world is risky. It can hurt us. And you know I don't mean physically, we don't care a damn if we get hurt, or killed. But it can hurt us, in a worse, more permanent way."

"But to each other," he continued, "we don't need to do that. We're all the same. We understand. And we _will-_" his face grew harsh, "we _will_ punish this asshole for what he has done to you."

I realized tears were pouring down my face. I hastily wiped them away, then ran my hand through my hair, pulling it back, away from my face. "Okay. Thanks, Zac." I wondered why I hadn't gotten to know Zac better. He wasn't such a bad guy. And after all that he had been through... he deserved more sympathy than I did. I had just been stupid. He hadn't deserved anything.

"Good." He stood up. "I'll get the others then, and we can plan it out for tonight. That English teacher of yours can wait." He had reverted to his teasing tone.

"Hmm, I don't know, she seemed pretty impatient to get her ass kicked this morning," I joked back, fighting to keep my tone lighthearted.

He laughed. "Are you sure that's not just you?"

I chuckled back, then became serious again. "Zac, I can help deal with the others," _the other Cullens, they were in the whole trick, the whole game from the start, I can't have any feelings for them, they were never going to be my family and I can't think that way..._ "but-" my voice cracked, and I fought to keep my control that had slipped so drastically a few minutes ago. "But I don't want to have anything to do with him. Even that."

He met my eyes evenly. Did he think I was as weak as I knew I was right now? I fought to keep anything out of my eyes. I was an Angel, I reminded myself. I was strong. I could stand up to seducing players like Edward. I _would_ keep up the fortress I had spent so long building. Yes, I had broken down in front of Zac, but that would not- would not!- happen again.

He didn't comment on whatever he saw in my eyes. "Alright, Bella. I understand."

"Thanks." I meant it.


	4. Chapter Four

**EDWARD**

I drove home in my shiny black, Maybach 57 S. It didn't really fit me. My Volvo had always been the car I used, even if I had to get Rosalie to dismantle then reassemble it when we traveled. When it died I replaced it. But the sleek, shiny car, a silver streak on the road as I speeded with the window down, bronze hair flying- it had always been _right_ for me.

No more.

The silver Volvo lay at the back of the garage. Memories wouldn't let me dispose of it, but I couldn't drive it. The Maybach was the last in a long succession of cars that I used then dumped each time I moved. But the cars were always one color. Always black.

Bella once said that she could tell my mood from what color my eyes were. When my eyes were light, she said I was in a better mood than when they were black.

My mood, whether or not my eyes were ebony or topaz, had been black for the last five years.

I could hear my family worrying in the car. I wished Rosalie had brought hers, so I could drive home alone. Who cared if we were ostentanious, we were different enough already. But how was I to know how momentous today would be? How different this new school, a new school among hundreds, would be?

I inched the speed dial forward, racing to get home so I could get away from the family, retreat into my room and hide from their thoughts flying at me, attacking me like bats exploding from a cave.

_What happened? Edward, what happened? Did you see Bella? Did you talk to her?_

_Shock, distress, agony... Edward, something happened. You have to tell us. What happened?_

_Edward, you realize you're going to have to tell Carlisle and Esme about this. About Bella being here. And about the Angels, too, I think... there's something more about them than a normal gang._

And then Alice, remembering...

_I was in Gym..._

_I caught the ball, and held it as my vision swirled. I knew a vision was coming._

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

_Bella was walking quickly through the hallway. The other students parted in front of her, almost as if they were frightened of her. Who would be frightened of Bella?_

_Then Edward, following behind. His expression was pained and intense, yet obviously suffering. He caught up to her quickly, in a blur- hopefully no one was watching, but we'd forgive Edward that little lapse. He was obviously stressed beyond belief. He put a hand on her shoulder. "Bella-"_

_She whirled around, jerking her shoulder away. Then she whipped a small silver knife out of her bag and, pressing him against the lockers, held it to his throat as she brought her face up to inches away from him._

_"Don't touch me. I don't know what you're doing here. I don't care. Just stay away from me," she whispered harshly._

_Then she walked away, almost running, and I could see there were tears sparkling in her eyes._

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

_Slowly the Gym came back into focus. "Alice? You okay?"_

_I snapped myself back to the present. "Yeah, I got a head rush. Orthostatic intolerance, you know." That was my excuse we had devised for my fazing out every once in a while._

_"Do you need to go to the clinic?"_

_"No, I'm fine."_

I snapped myself out of Alice's memory. But her thoughts began to swirl again, and another one came up, this one not a memory of a vision, but a real one.

_. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ._

_Bella, eyes closed, face white. She was being carried into an apartment by a dark-haired boy, one in that gang she was in- what was the name? He looked worried, anxious... Well, that was interesting. He wiped the look off of his face when she finally responded to his repeated queries, asking her if she was okay and she could hear him._

_"Yeah, I'm fine." She sat up, obviously attempting to appear normal._

_He looked disbelieving. "Tell me, Bella, what happened. We're both Angels. Nothing can hurt any one of us without all of us having revenge. We will take care of the problem."_

_She sighed, a pained sound. Then in a harsh voice, that made the name sound like an obscenity, she answered. "Edward Cullen."_

_The vision faded._

_. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ._

I gripped the steering wheel so hard the black rubber gave in to my vampire fingers, leaving marks. The way that she said my name...

_"Edward Cullen."_ Like my name was a curse, something that needed to be destroyed.

I remembered her face as she pressed the knife against my throat- it could never hurt me, but it was threat enough in her hand, and both of us knew that. Her face dark, with hate pouring out at me. And yet she ran in tears...

But I was not the one to comfort her this time. This Zac, this gang member who I was sure had killed, had raped girls, he was the one who got to comfort her. My fingers pressed into the already-made grooves in the wheel as I imagined him hurting her, even... even touching her. He didn't deserve that. No one did.

Least of all me.

_"Edward Cullen._" I remembered how she had once said my name with such love, such happiness. How her face had lit up with joy when she saw me at the window. I had never deserved her. And I sure as hell didn't deserve her now.

But I _was_ going to make sure she was safe, really safe, before I left again.

I didn't know how I would do it a second time. The first... it was too agonizing to remember. Like ripping myself in half, like half of me had _died_. More than half. My entire self belonged to Bella.

I had hurt her too badly for her to take me back.

The car swerved, as I had not been paying attention, so I turned onto the shoulder and cut the engine. We were already on the long road leading up to our house, so there would be no danger of other vehicles on the road. I sightlessly crushed the steering wheel into a mangled black rubber blob, unrecognizable as what it had been.

"Edward." Alice sounded as if she had been trying to get my attention for a while. "Edward, I know you saw that vision. Listen to me, you can't judge on how she's acting. I remember how she looked at first-"

I spun around, distracted. "You were looking- then?" I knew my anger was irrational, but I was on the edge, teetering between intense depression and insanity. Poor Jasper, I thought to myself wryly. "I told you not to! To stay out!"

Alice's voice remained calm. "Edward, look at me."

I didn't move.

"_Look_ at me."

I sighed, defeated. We wouldn't move until she got what she wanted. "What?" My voice was short as I turned around.

Smugly, she opened her mouth to speak.

Then she looked over my shoulder, distracted. "What the hell did you do to the steering wheel?"

I gritted my teeth.

Jasper groaned. "Alice, this would be a good time to get to the point. He's just about furious enough to destroy the entire _car_, let alone us."

Alice looked offended. "I'm more important than a _car_."

"ALICE!" I was seconds away from throwing her through the rearview window.

"Fine," she huffed. "What I was _going_ to saw, was that for the first few months after we... left, Bella pretty much- died. She was catatonic until Renee brought her to Jacksonville. That was when she started building this... this shell, this hard exterior." Her voice softened. "She never got over you. You should have known she wouldn't be one of those silly teenagers who got into something then forgot two days later. She has reason to hate you, Edward. But- but I don't think she does."

I turned back to gaze sightlessly at the mangled steering wheel. I wanted to sob, to fall to the floor, to lay there until I died. But I couldn't. "You're wrong."

I started the car, and we sat in silence the rest of the drive.

**. . . . . . . . . . . . .**

As soon as we entered the house, I dropped my things on the floor and rushed up to my room. When I had first left her, moved up to Denali, my room in Tanya's house had been covered in pictures, photographs, drawings of _her_. Esme had painted a large picture of her, with her soft eyes and slightly blushing cheeks, that had hung in the middle of the wall, opposite the window so the morning sun shone on it. The rest of the wall and dresser space had been covered with taped up pictures, printer papers with drawings, small portraits in small gold and crystal frames.

But when we had moved the first time after Denali, I had torn all the photographs down, all the paintings, all the reminders of _her_, and packed them in a box. I had never unpacked them, for it had hurt too much to look at her face, her soft lips, curved slightly, and her deep eyes, looking out from the photograph silently.

And they tempted me, tempted me more than I could safely be tempted. Every second of that time, those long five years, I had been dying to return to Forks. Dying to scale her wall, and enter her window. Dying to see her sit up from her bed, startled.

And so I kept the photographs in the box, and didn't take them out. Because I was resolved to give Bella the life she deserved.

Of course she had found a way to get around that.

But it couldn't hurt now. I went to my desk, opened the drawer, and pulled out the cardboard box full of memories. A Pandora's box. If I opened it, would I be able to help myself from going to her apartment- or wherever she lived right now- and begging on my knees for her to take me back? I would beg for a hundred years if that was what it took.

Or even- it wouldn't even hurt for me to go when she was asleep, would it? Just peek in, and watch over her, like I had that first night, the night I heard her say my name. Watch her toss and turn, listen to her mumbled dreams. She wouldn't know... what would be the harm?

I stilled my desperate fantasies and lifted the cover to the box.

Picture after picture; Bella smiling, Bella looking exasperated, probably at Alice, Bella at the prom- oh, she had been so beautiful, Bella in my arms, smiling adoringly up at me...

And some photos I had stolen from Charlie's house... I lovingly lifted baby picture after baby picture out of the box... she had always been so beautiful...

Finally, the large painting Esme had created for me, that dust, coated over the glass, failed to mar...

I dropped it on the ground, and the glass splintered. Not a single one compared at all- _at all-_ to the actual Bella.

I shoved the box under the desk, and stood to walk over to my piano bench. I lifted the cover to the piano, and dusted off the keys. I hadn't played it since I left her.

I began playing something traditional, a classic. But suddenly, my fingers began playing on their own, flying over the ivory and black keys- dark, dyed hair on the forever pale skin- and the ethereal, angelic sound began to float out of the piano.

After a few seconds, I recognized the tune. It was her lullaby.

I played for hours- or it may have been only minutes- letting the music bring me back. Letting it bring me back to a time when everything had been wonderful, too good to be true, heaven on earth.

**. . . . . . . . . . . . .**

_My fingers running over the keys, playing without a care in the world. Bella was next to me, and she was gazing at me with awe and love._

_"You inspired this one," I whispered. I began playing, and heard her heartbeat speed up. She loved it, and my unbeating heart swelled. All those years, I had thought I was a monster, thought I had lost my soul, thought everything was lost for me. Yet now, here sat this angel next to me, and she listened to my piece, and she thought it was beautiful._

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . **

Yet it had not lasted. How could it have? How could I have made such a mess of everything?

I noticed I was getting into the darker part of the lullaby, the deeper part, the part where, when writing it, I had realized that Bella was perfect the way she was, and that any change would be wrong, a sadness. How, although I tried not to think about it, I was a monster for entering her life, the beautiful lullaby that was her existence.

I slowly let my head fall onto the keys, crashing with a discordant sound.

"Edward?" I looked up to see Esme at the door.

"Esme," I acknowledged shortly. I wasn't in the mood to be polite.

"Edward," she sighed, "the others have told me about Bella." I didn't look up. Of course she would want to talk about it, try to be motherly, make me feel better. "And," she continued, "there's something more to this."

I lifted my head. That was unexpected.

Esme looked relieved to meet my eyes. "Alice has been looking for Bella's future, and... it's blurry."

"Blurry?"

"Yes... as if they- for we've established that Bella is with this group of eighteen to thirty year olds- they are changing their minds rapidly, changing their plans..."

"Strange," I murmured. How would they know to do that?

"Yes." Esme hesitated, then blurted out the rest. "Jasper- Jasper thinks that Bella's warned them, at least about some of it, told them how to protect themselves against Alice's power."

I jerked upright. Bella wouldn't tell strangers about us. She knew how important it was that we maintained our secrecy. "She wouldn't do that."

Esme sighed. "I suppose. But," her face tightened, "we've been away for a long time, Edward. Five years. She might have changed."

I refused to allow myself to consider that possibility. "Not that much. Never that much."

She put her comforting, stone arm around me, and I tried not to lean into the hug. "I certainly hope so. For you, and... and also for Bella." I looked up, and her face was kind, caring. Esme was so compassionate.

"Edward!" Alice burst into the room, refraining to knock, as usual. "I- Oh, hello Esme," she greeted.

Esme smiled at Alice. "I was just telling Edward about what you said, about how the visions are blurry- and what Jasper thought." She glanced quickly at me and back.

"Yes," said Alice impatiently, "but there's more. I finally caught a glimpse of a flicker. Edward, they're coming, coming here. Without Bella."

I stood abruptly. "When?"

A slightly blurry, flickering image swam up in Alice's mind.

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .**

_The sky was dark, with slight moonlight from the thread-thin crescent shining onto the house, casting shadows over the scene. It seemed to be past midnight. Our family was standing outside in the long expanse of grass that was our yard, waiting, posture tense with feet apart, ready. We were watching the forest at the edge of our property, which was dark and shadowy._

_Suddenly, gloomy apparitions separated themselves from the trees, like tree spirits. As they walked from the murky wood, the dark shapes slowly formed into black-clothed people. The Angels. Eight, nine... ten of them._

_Bella was not with them._

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .**

"Late night," Alice answered unnecessarily.

Esme looked from one of our grim faces to the other. "Who is coming?"

I answered in a monotone. "The Angels."


	5. Chapter Five

**EDWARD**

We stood in silence throughout the night. The moon stayed, a silver crescent, uncovered with clouds, so it was unknown the time. So we stood there, all of us, watching the forest, as the hours went by.

Then they appeared. The Angels.

Five boys and five girls... all human. It was still such a mystery how they hoped to- to "have revenge" as Zac said... We were vampires, with unparalleled speed, strength, and experience. Yet they stood there, fearless. They didn't know we were vampires, but it was clear that we were dangerous.

I looked over their faces, connecting them to the names I had heard from other minds that day. Zac. His pitch-black hair looked authentic, not died like the rest. It was long and messy, falling casually over his eyes, which were black and piercing, with long black lashes. His chin was strong and angular, mouth soft. Bella... she couldn't be with him, could she? I remembered how she had walked out of the cafeteria with him, not holding hands, but laughing, familiar. They could just be friends though, couldn't they?

Valentine. She was the only one who didn't have her hair, naturally or dyed, black. It was reddish mahogany, with crimson highlights that reflected when her hair swung. Her face was pale and she wore heavy mascara and eyeliner, accenting her bright brown eyes.

Sheila. She looked... flashy was the only way to put it. Her makeup and hair was bold; upswept locks, spiking out of a twist at the top, silver eyeshadow and black lipstick. She wore countless silver bangles, and silver chains, cascading out of her belt, fell almost to the ground.

Keith. He was tall, his face solemn. He looked older than the others, eyes more careworn.

Angelica had a saucy smile on her face, looking right at me. She had black eyes and seemed be from partly Spanish descent.

Matt. Anita. Derek. Lucien. Eva. All tensed, ready, bold. Lucien... he was the blond haired boy that had been with Zac this afternoon, in the hallway. I couldn't read his mind then, and I couldn't now, either.

All their minds were blocked, reciting the Qu'ran, the periodic table of elements, that day's history lecture. How did they know to do that? I remembered what Esme had suggested... No. No, I couldn't believe that. Bella wouldn't do that. She wouldn't.

Then Zac spoke. He didn't seem to be the one in charge; if any, the tall, silent one- Keith- was; yet he seemed to be the spokesperson. "Cullen."

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Yes?"

"We warned a member of your coven at school. He did not listen." _Coven?_ His smile challenged us, mocked us. "You see," he continued, "we, the Angels, are all humans who have been harmed by your kind. Our purpose is to eradicate your kind. Permanently." It sounded a little corny, yet I did not listen past "harmed by your kind".

"Ha," Emmett laughed. "What chance do you have against seven vampires?"

Zac's face remained impassive. "While we did come prepared for that particular advantage, it is true that your numbers are extraordinarily large. However," his mouth curved into that small, derisive smile that so irritated me, "we _are_ prepared to fight to the death."

There was a short confused silence. Then one girl made her way from where she had stood, hidden, in the forest. A girl with chocolate brown eyes. "All of us," she added in a slightly mocking tone.

**BELLA**

It was ten o'clock at night, and I was in Zac's room. I had been in the middle of applying my makeup, getting ready for the Cullens, but I had stopped. I watched in the mirror as a single black tear dripped down my cheek. _Damn this mascara, _I thought to myself. _I need to get waterproof next time._

But I made no effort to wipe it away.

Slowly, I lifted myself from the chair, leaving the tube of mascara on the table, open, and walked over to my purse, lying on the dresser. I took out from it a small notebook and a pen, and began to write.

_Black tears, black tears, black tears I weep_

_Black tears from under my eyelids seep_

_Coal black mascara dripping off my lashes_

_To mix with boiling drops, the salty splashes_

_I must keep going, must show a brave face_

_I must wash off the tears so there's not a trace_

_I must smile with fresh lipstick and pretend that_

_What you said didn't matter, nor the names you spat_

_Yet black tears keep dripping, black trails down my cheeks_

_And from beneath my lid, my reddened eye peeks_

_I wash it all off, and a fresh coat apply_

_Black tears disappear down the drain as I cry._

I set the pen down and stared at the paper. Black splashes danced off my cheek and onto the notebook, blotting the words. I fought back sob after sob.

"Bella?" It was Valentine, standing at the doorway, looking in at me. I lifted my head, unsure how my face looked. She let out a gasp, and instantly came over to me, putting her arm around me. "Bella... it's him, isn't it?" I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

She sighed, not saying anything. I sat there in her arms, for the longest time, body shaking with the sobs forcing themselves from my chest. I knew I would regret this later, letting someone see me like this, broken, but I couldn't stop.

Eventually, I stilled, and got up, untangling myself from Valentine's arms. I didn't say anything, didn't look at her, as I went to the bathroom, rinsed my face, and reapplied my makeup. Then I went back into the bedroom, where Valentine sat where she had been, a sad smile on her face. Valentine... Valentine had always been the one I connected with the most. Because she had been through _exactly_ what I had. A different name, a different time; yet it was still the same story.

_"Well, you see," _I remembered Valentine telling me, after days of pressing her, _"There was this boy, a beautiful, black-haired boy. We met at a party... I was drunk and didn't remember that much. But I remember waking up the next day in an unknown bed, waking up and seeing his face... his wonderful, black eyes... and right then I knew I was in love with him._

_"His name was Ethan, and he didn't have qualms about telling me about his world. He seemed to want me to be warned... he told me, day after day, that he thirsted for my blood, that he could kill me any second. Yet I didn't care. Even though he was a vampire... I didn't care. I was ecstatic, I thought I was living in a dream... and of course, I was. I was living in a hallucination, a lie._

_"He brought me to meet his coven eventually. There were three of them: Ethan, Veronica, Jason, and Naomi. Jason and Naomi were a couple, and he told me Veronica was single. Fool that I was, I believed him._

_"Over the next seven months, I followed him everywhere. We spent every second of the day together, and every second of the night as well. Sex with a vampire... well, I can't describe how amazing it was. So much more... intense than with a human. It brought me even closer to him. I loved him, so much... and I thought he did just as much... 'You are the world to me,' he told me, every day. Then it happened._

_"It was nighttime, and I had almost fallen asleep. Ethan was holding me in his arms as he did so often, when the door burst open. It was Veronica._

_"'Why are you always with that slut?' she screamed. 'Ethan, you player, you know she can't be your mate,' I closed my eyes tighter and pretending to be asleep, waiting for my angel to defend me. _

_"Instead, he looked confused and unsure. "Vera, she's just another one... You know I love only you..." I couldn't hear what he was saying, my brain couldn't process it._

_"'Well, dump her, six months is long enough. It's one thing having a little fake affair with some human whore, but its another carrying it this long.' Ethan hesitated, then nodded._

_"And that was when the world dropped out from under me, when the sun disappeared from the sky._

_"I remember running from the house, crying. Ethan staring after me, shocked, whispering that I must have been awake, yet not making a move to stop me._

_"And I've never loved anyone ever again."_

Both of us had fallen in love with a vampire, dared to imagine that they might love us back. Given our everything to our Edwards: our bodies, our minds, our hearts. And to realize, once we were hopelessly lost, like a fly in a spiderweb, that they didn't care for us at all.

"Bella? Valentine?" Zac stuck his head inside the door. "We're leaving now."

I stood, and Valentine did as well. As we walked out of the bedroom, I gave her arm a squeeze and whispered, "Thanks." She gave an almost unperceptive nod and smile.

We drove by motorcycle to the forest, then parked them where they wouldn't be seen. We would run the rest of the way; we didn't want the Cullens to hear the motors with their extrasensory hearing.

Zac walked over to me, after he had safely hidden his motorcycle in the foilage. "You ready for this, Bella?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I shot back defensively, not looking at him.

He put his hand on my cheek and turned it up to look at him. "Bella, you don't have to do this if you don't want to." His hand was soft and warm against my face, and I drew back. Touching someone like that brought back too many memories, even if it was completely different to Edward's cool, hard skin.

He let his hand drop. "Are you sure you wouldn't like to let us do this ourselves?"

At that I smiled. "No, I think me being there will give us somewhat of an advantage." No matter what Edward felt about me, there would still be some of his chivalrous caring for me. "I'd just like to see his face... would you do something for me?"

He agreed after I had told him what I planned. He laughed, a short surprised chuckle. "You are evil, Bella."

"Thanks," I acknowledged dryly, leading the way into the woods.

Running, it took less than half an hour to reach the large lawn of the Cullens. Their house seemed very similar to their mansion in Forks... a large, sweeping lawn, bordered by the forest and the flowing river.

I stayed in the trees as the others stepped into the open.

I watched Edward's eyes as he scanned the faces, counting, then the worried lines on his face smoothed, relieved. Was he happy I wasn't there? Was it so unbearable to even see me?

His eyes tightened again, frustrated. He must have been trying to read our minds, yet I had instructed them to block him out. My lips curled into a satisfied smile.

Then Zac spoke. "Cullen."

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Yes?"

"We warned a member of your coven at school. He did not listen. You see, we, the Angels, are all humans who have been harmed by your kind. Our purpose is to eradicate your kind. Permanently." We had done it, too. Over the years, we had destroyed and burned twenty-seven vampires. We had lost, yes, and some of our members had gotten killed, it was inevitable. After all, we were humans and they were vampires. But not one vampire passing through Salem survived.

"Ha," Emmett laughed boisterously. "What chance do you have against seven vampires?"

Zac's face remained impassive. "While we did come prepared for that particular advantage, it is true that your numbers are extraordinarily large. However," he smiled, my cue, "we _are_ prepared to fight to the death."

I slowly made my way through the trees, making sure I was in clean sight as I said, mockingly, "All of us." That would stop them. They wouldn't be willing to kill me, no matter whether or not Edward cared for me. I knew that much. It hurt that I was playing on his emotions, but what else could I do?

**EDWARD**

I stiffened. They had us.

None of us would ever hurt Bella.

Then she laughed callously. "Sorry for having Zac lie about me being here. I just wanted to watch your reaction when you saw me. And don't worry," her voice turned sarcastic and harsh, "I'm just as good a fighter as the rest of us. And _just_ as willing to fight." _Eradicate your kind,_ my mind remembered.

"Please, Bella, can't we just talk?" I begged, pleading. I didn't care what she wanted to do to me, just- I didn't know what I want. But I wanted her happy. Was she happy like this?

She clenched her jaw, then opened her mouth to refuse. Just then, Zac laid a hand on her arm, whispering in her ear. I could hear every word. "It wouldn't hurt to talk, Bella. Just to see why they're here."

She stiffened, then slowly relaxed, turning to me. Her eyes were cold and guarded as they met mine. "Fine." She would do it for _him_, I thought in despair.

I walked a little ways, beckoning for her to follow me. She froze for a second, then followed unwillingly. I had ever felt so awkward with her before.

I stopped and turned to her. Her face was blank, devoid of emotion. "Bella, I-" Suddenly, I couldn't think of what I wanted to say, and blurted out the first question that came to mind. "Did you tell them what we are?"

It was the wrong thing to say. She instantly gripped her hands into fists, glaring. "No, I didn't. How dare you think that of me? Not that I care in the least if your family get exposed, but I know of the dangers of humans finding out about you. _I_ wouldn't ruin the lives of innocent people."

I flinched from the implication of the stressed 'I'. "I just- they seemed to be ready for- for our powers..." I trailed off weakly. This wasn't where I had meant to lead the conversation.

"Yes," she agreed coldly, "I did tell them about your powers. You didn't expect us to leave ourselves completely unprepared for your advantages, did you?"

"But-" I stopped, confused.

"They already knew about vampires," she added, nonchalantly. I didn't say anything, shocked. I could see, out of the corner of my eye, that my family was just as startled by the information. "Long before I joined them. They've all been through the same sort of thing I have."

I quickly caught a flicker of a memory from one of the Angels' -Eva's- mind before she swiftly yanked her thoughts back to the atomic number of magnesium. _Bella speaking, throat clogged with unwept tears. "He left me there, in the forest... he never had any interest in me... I was just a toy he picked up and dropped."_

She still believed I didn't love her. How could she believe that? I remember so clearly that day in the forest...

_Her eyes dropped, suddenly listless. "Well," she said after a second, in an expressionless voice, "that changes things."_

She had believed me so quickly. I had expected to spend hours convincing her that I didn't love her... yet after one sentence, she believed. I saw it in her eyes, she believed.

"No, Bella," I forced out, my voice cracking. "That's not what I wanted to- Bella, I just want you to know I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did... for everything..." My voice trailed off.

"Oh, you're _sorry_," Bella mocked. "You- you-" Her fury seemed too much for words, and I could hear her heartbeat and breath speed up.

"Bella," I put my hands on her shoulders, pulling her closer to me, and took a deep breath. "Bella, I love you; I never stopped loving you. I'm- I'm so sorry..."

She froze for a second, her heartbeat stopping, and then pulled herself up, pressing herself against my chest, and brought her lips up to mine, kissing me passionately. She pushed me down to the ground, and I lay on my back, not wanting to move as she moved her fingers softly against my face. Her lips broke away for a second, fingers still moving.

"Edward," my breath caught as she said my name, "I'm _sorry,_" she mimicked. Her breath was hot against my skin, mouth millimeters away from mine. "_Sorry_, but..." her fingers pressed into my face; if I were human they would have bruised. "I'm a little less susceptible to that bullshit now," she breathed, pushing herself away.

"No- Bella!" She got up, walking quickly back to the rest of the Angels. I stood as well, calling after her. "Wait!"

She strode rapidly to Zac, murmuring, "Let's go."

"But, Bella-" he said, confused.

"We can take care of this later," she interrupted, loudly. "They're not any immediate danger. Let's go now."

He sighed, then nodded.

And they melted into the trees.

**The chapters just keep getting longer, don't they?**

**I wrote the poem "Black Tears", so that belongs to me.  
**


	6. Chapter Six

**BELLA**

I stumbled through the trees sightlessly, letting the branches whip forward, hitting me in the face, and not caring. I eventually realized my forehead was bleeding, and my hands were white and scratched, yet I continued to run. My uncertain, clumsy feet tripped over something, and I began to fall, but I caught myself, catching onto something and yanking myself upright again.

The second time I fell, I stayed down.

I lay there, crumpled, curled up in a fetal position, as it grew darker and started to drizzle. My hair was getting wet and my clothes soaked. In a way, I welcomed the rain, as it disguised my tears so they were indistinguishable from the raindrops on my soil-smudged cheeks.

I hated the fact that after all this time his lies could do this to me.

I didn't even understand what was in it for him this time. Why would he tell me he loved me, _now_? Did I seem more interesting now? Was that it?

_"You're not good for me, Bella."_

Now that I had changed, grown up, was less of a little idiot, was I good enough for him now? Did I finally meet his requirements, his expectations?

_"Bella, I just want you to know I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did... for everything..."_

What was he apologizing for? For being a fucking asshole? For leaving me that day in the forest? For entering my life in the first place? I could agree wholeheartedly with that. He had destroyed me, killed me, the day he had entered my life.

_"Bella, I love you; I never stopped loving you. I'm so sorry..."_

He was lying, of course he was lying... but some part of me, some part deep inside my chest yearned to believe him so badly. Simple words, 'I love you,' yet they had meant the world to the young, seventeen-year-old girl I had been back then in Forks, and they still did.

_"Bella I don't want you to come with me."_

But of course he had always been lying, he never wanted me to come with him. He had never wanted me with him, for eternity. Of course. He had always laughed at how I was such a terrible liar; I hadn't realized he had been comparing my skills with his own.

_"No, Bella, wait!"_

He expected, after all this time, after the truth he finally told me, that I'd always be waiting for him? That he could come back, he could say, "I love you," and I would welcome him back with open arms? He could just feed me some shit and I'd return to him like the docile little pet I had been?

I muffled a sob against the ground. This forest seemed so familiar, so like the _other_ forest...

_He pressed my arms to my sides. "Take care of yourself..." he whispered, and disappeared._

_I ran and ran after him, even though I knew I could never catch up to his vampire speed. Eventually I tripped and fell, and stayed crumpled on the ground as it began to rain._

I felt my soaked hair stick to my hair. The deja vu punched me, hitting me in the gut so I couldn't breathe... Yet this time, it had been _me_ that left him standing there. And it was still me who was left, abandoned, crying on the ground, lost in the forest.

_Eventually I heard the searchers calling for me, yelling my name. It barely registered in my dead mind, and so I didn't move._

"Bella!" someone's anxious voice called through the forest. I didn't move, didn't respond. This reliving the past thing was going too far. Had I finally gone crazy? Was that it? Why didn't the voice stop? "Bella, where- Bella!" His voice neared to come from right on top of me.

I looked up tiredly. Who was I expecting? Sam, all the way back in Forks? My thoughts swirled, and I thought stupidly, _Maybe I've gone back. Maybe I've got to relive all that torture again. _I cringed. I'd kill myself first.

It was Zac. "We waited where we had parked the motorcycles, where we planned to meet, and you never came," he said hurriedly. "Are you- are you okay?"

I looked up, dazed.

_"Have you been hurt?" asked Sam._

He stood there a minute, unsure, then put his arms around me and lifted me up. I didn't have the energy to complain. He began to run, carrying me through the woods, and it only took about ten minutes to reach the place we had left our motorcycles.

"What happened?" The frantic girl's voice sounded close, almost touching my face with the breath. Was it Valentine?

"I found her on the ground... She was crying..." Zac's voice was alarmed, worried. "She just keeps saying his name..." I hadn't realized I had been doing that. How pathetic was that? I clamped my mouth closed immediately. "I don't know if she can ride back on her own. I-"

"I'll ride on the back of yours, Zac." I was furious at how cracked my voice was, and cleared my throat rustily. "...If that's okay?" I checked, "I'd probably crash my own."

"Sure," his face smoothed, relieved. I mounted his motorcycle and wrapped my arms around his middle stiffly, like a zombie. Everything in me was gone, cried out.

As the motor roared and we rode out of the forest, I thought I heard him mumble under his breath, "I'll kill the motherfucking bastard for what he's done to you."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

We rode through the empty, wide road, probably speeding, a line of silver, sleek motorcycles. Mine was left back in the forest, but I didn't really mind. I had no interest in material things, plus we could always buy another. Knowing my luck, it'd be gone next time we got back to check.

_Next time?_ There'd be no next time. We'd have to force them to move, somehow. _I _couldn't leave Salem, leave the Angels, my family. This was the place I lived now. My home, if a meager one, even if I had no apartment, even if I kept moving around in different friend's houses.

I clung onto Zac's waist, and didn't think about how strange that felt. I remembered the time I had ridden on Edward's back as he brought me to the meadow... Oh, I had tried to have other relationships. With Derek, or Lucien... but they had been different, somehow. And once you got past the show and the sex, there really wasn't anything to it.

It had been so _different_, the feeling of my first love... I looked up at the back of Zac's head, his long, silky black hair, and felt the black leather jacket he wore beneath my fingers. I had tried him as well. I could ride on his bike to school, skip class with him in some janitor's closet, but it would never be the same. Because my heart was dead. Eventually we did the "mutual dump", as expected. After all, none of us ever had a real relationship.

I didn't notice when we had reached his apartment building, and he had to pry my fingers away from his waist, smiling slightly as he did so. Then he swept me up into his arms to go up the stairs.

"I... can... walk," I stated stubbornly. He laughed and set me on my feet, upon which I promptly fell down.

I thought to myself that it might be worth becoming a vampire just for the dexterity, as he carried me to his apartment.

I glanced at the digital clock on the dresser as he carried me to the bed, setting me down there. It was four in the morning. It probably wouldn't be worth trying to fall asleep.

"I'm going to go out to Sheila's place," Zac told me. "You want to come?"

I smirked. "I don't go in for orgies, myself. I'm sure you'll have fun by yourselves."

"Aww, come on," he complained, his eyes dancing, "give me some credit. You know I love only you."

I pushed him off the bed. "Go to Sheila, asshole."

I smiled as he left. His banter could usually be relied on to bring my spirits up. At that thought, the smile quickly curved downward into a frown. I didn't want to be in a good mood. I wanted to be pissed off at Edward.

I grabbed the notebook from the dresser, and flipped to the first page.

I had started writing my poems, and short entries in it, when I had first joined the Angels. That had been when I had chosen to wear the mask, to build the walls around me so no one could get in to hurt me. Yet in the notebook... I wrote my true being, my true feelings. This was where I opened up.

I looked at the first poem I had written, tracing my finger over the small, neat characters, and read.

_Mirror, mirror on the wall  
Who is the fairest of them all  
I look into you and in your eyes  
my reflection shines, a glorious guise_

_Mirror, mirror, you show me as I am  
a clear image that I know is true  
Every day, every morning, I can rely  
that I will be the same when I look into you_

_Mirror, mirror, but when you distort  
when our connection is estranged  
I look into you and can't recognize myself  
Mirror, mirror, why have you changed?_

_Shards of glass lie on the floor  
Broken you are, returning nevermore  
My reflection is gone, and I weep, for  
Gone is the image I so adore_

_My mirror lays, broken glass on the ground  
My wall is empty, and so I draw  
A portrait to hang there, in a frame I found  
So unlike the mirror I gazed at in awe_

_The drawing is different, and I realize  
It doesn't show nearly all that I am  
The bright, easy smile or the light in the eyes  
What I drew on my own is merely a sham_

_I cannot put on paper my face so dear  
How I miss what in you was always so clear  
For without you, mirror, I cannot see  
What I am or who is me._

I looked at the last line, magnified by a drop of salty tears that had dripped out of the corner of my eye.

NO! No, this wasn't how I felt. This was how I had felt before, but not now. I didn't depend on Edward anymore. He wasn't my mirror, I could build myself, choose who and what I wanted to be, without him.

I ripped out the paper and crumpled it, throwing it into a corner of the room, and flipped rapidly to the first blank page, almost ripping out the rest of the pages in the process.

I put my pen to the beginning of the first line and began to write.

_damn you  
damn your fucking smiling face  
damn your fucking beautiful self  
damn the way you caught my eye  
damn the way I fell in love  
with you_

_I want you dead  
I want you gone  
I want to kill you  
and do it myself  
I want to tear you limb by limb  
and watch, smiling as you burn  
Just as you smiled when you  
killed me_

_rip you apart  
hurt you bad  
watch your pain  
watch you die  
watch as you look at me  
and know I hate you  
know I killed you  
know what you did to me_

_damn you into the fires of hell  
I don't care where I go myself  
don't care if I live  
don't care if I die  
don't care about anybody else  
just want to say damn you  
and know your pain  
and know your PAIN _

I thrust the notebook away from me, letting it fall, open, on the floor, and let the pen clatter on top of it. I had run away this time. It would not happen again. I would get him out of my life-- permanently. I would not let him hurt me again.

**Poems as usual belong to me. 'damn you' I wrote specifically for this fic; yeah I don't write poems like that in my spare time o.o. 'reflection' I've written earlier. People do songfics all the time but idk including poems is cute too.**

**What do you guys think Zac's story should be? The whole 'the hot vampire dumped me' thing might be kinda weird as he's a guy. I want to get to know him better.  
**


	7. Chapter Seven

**BELLA**

So, what happened last night?

I sighed, pulling out a pen so I could answer Derek's note.

We were in first period, Ms. Hawthorne's English class, and still had not maneuvered to sit next to each other. I left my phone at home, probably due to the fact I got about half an hour of sleep the previous night, so we had to resort to passing notes.

You saw what happened. You were there. 

My words were terse. I didn't really want to talk about it.

I'm not a bloodsucker, Bell, I can't hear everything. All I saw was you kissed him and got pissed about something.

I sighed again, resigned. Okay. You want to know everything? He basically said I "betrayed" them, telling you guys about them. Then he told me he was sorry, and he loved me again. And I was like wtf and told him I'm not the little seventeen year old baby who would fall for BS like that.

But why did you kiss him?

Why was it his business? idk, why do you fucking care?

Bella, you are seriously bipolar, if you say all that and at the same time kiss him. What kind of impression are you trying to put across?

I twisted around in my seat and glared at him.

I'm not bipolar. Just confused.

Pregnant then? 

Very funny. You stfu asshole.

He smiled as he read the note, and turned the paper over to reply, when he stiffened, looking over my head.

I turned around.

Edward and Jasper were entering the room, smoothly and fluidly. My eyes uncontrollably traveled down his frame, admiring his wonderful face, beautiful body before I stopped myself. Why was my annoying subconscious so unable to be restrained? I turned my eyes instead to Jasper, as he smiled at Ms. Hawthorne and said, "My brother and I were just transfered to this class, we were a little advanced for the one we were placed in."

She blushed and stuttered, and I glared at her condescendingly. "That- that's fine, Mr..."

"Cullen."

"Fine then... um, just pick any of the empty seats."

What the hell? What happened to the whole issue yesterday about assigned seats?

Edward finally looked up, and I glanced away, feeling my cheeks burn. I stared down at my desk. Why had I been staring at him?

I felt cold air whoosh past me as they moved to the set of two desks directly behind me. Of course. Of course they had to pick those.

I attempted to pay attention to whatever the lecture was on, as I felt the tickle of eyes watching the back of my head. I discreetly moved my hand back there and scratched. He seriously needed to stop watching me. Why did he care anymore, anyway? I had told him what I felt, and we both knew what he felt. Why did he have to get himself transfered into my class?

I felt a wave of calm wash over me, and I twisted in my seat to glare at Jasper. "You let me feel whatever I want to feel," I hissed.,

The calmness receded, leaving a bitter taste behind.

I turned back, attempting not to look at, even out of the corner of my eye, the other vampire sitting next to him. It was especially difficult as he was gazing straight at me the entire time.

Derek slid a note over to me, and I read it, skimming through the words with cursory eyes.

Bella, you're still infatuated, don't attempt to hide it from yourself. It's pretty obvious from where I'm sitting.

I sent him an angry reply, especially as I knew Edward was listening to every word Derek read. Would I have replied differently if he hadn't been? You know what Derek, you have no idea what you're talking about. He, all of them, they hurt me too much to feel anything for them again.

You're lying to yourself.

I'm not! wtf are you talking about, anyway? Whose side are you on?

I took the next note slid onto my desk, preparing to just stab it with my pen and throw it back across the room to Derek, without reading it.

Until I saw the handwriting.

The curly, fancy, handwriting I remembered so clearly from that note he had left me when he had gone hunting, so long ago... _"Be safe."_

I pulled the note over and read it. There was nothing I could do, no other remote possibility. It was automatic.

Bella, please, please just talk to me.

The desperate insecurity of the words startled me. Why was he begging to talk to me?

Why? And wtf are you doing, transferring to my class?

I wanted to see you.

_Don't let him get in, _I ordered myself. _Don't let him do the same thing he did before. Don't let him fool you into thinking he's still the gallant, romantic man you thought he was before. Remember what he really is. Remember what he really is._

Couldn't wait until Biology? I sent back, trying to stall.

The way you hate me... I know you'd probably be transfered out of that class by now.

I turned a little and caught an expression of agonizing, self-depreciating pain on his face before he wiped it off. Hmm. I hadn't thought of transferring out, but that's not a bad idea, I replied.

Bella, can't you just give me a chance? I know you'd never take me back, and I know I don't deserve it, but can't we at least be friends?

Damn right on the first two counts, and why do you even want to?

I can't stand it, I'm not strong.

Well that really made a lot of sense. What?

Bella, I know you don't believe me, but I... adore you. I can't stand seeing you like this. I don't want you hurt.

lmao. Yeah. Okay. Why the sudden change of heart?

I never wanted this to happen, Bella, I'm being entirely honest. I left so you could be happy, be yourself... I didn't want you to do this. Please, Bella...

Am I under your control, Edward? Must I do everything you want me to?

Bella, I love you, I want whatever will make you happy.

I'm happy now. Time for a subject change.

He paused for a bit, unsure, before putting his pen to the paper. Are you with Zac? Wow, that was random. I heard a quiet snicker from Jasper. What emotions was he picking up from Edward?

Yes, I sent back, just to see his reaction.

I heard a sort of spluttering noise from Jasper as he attempted to hold back his laughter at whatever Edward was feeling.

His handwriting on the next note was jagged and rough. Bella, you can't be with him! He can hurt you, he's in a gang, he's killed people!

So have I.

That stilled him, but after a bit he sent back, Bella, please... for what you used to feel for me... can't you try to keep yourself safe?

How dare he bring that up? I never, _never_ wanted to think of what I used to feel for him, never wanted to remember the little gullible fool I had been. I don't really care a damn about keeping myself safe, Edward.

Please, you'll get hurt!

I've already been hurt. I can never be hurt worse than that.

Some kind of strangled sound escaped from his lips as he read that note, and I felt suddenly guilty. Why the guilt? He already knew what he had put me through. I should be happy he was actually feeling some remorse.

I waited, but no more notes were slid onto my table. I felt a bit depressed. Why? Had I seriously gotten readdicted to Edward in these few short hours? That was beyond pathetic, that even after five years, I was again clinging onto his every word.

And yet I couldn't stand to have him behind me, and I couldn't turn around and look at his face, and I couldn't hear what he was thinking.

Hell, his gift would sure come in handy.

Finally, I sent back, to get him to reply to me again. I was kidding about Zac, btw. I'm single.

The next note I received was not from Edward, but Jasper. I only read a couple words before Edward yanked it out of my hand. Thanks for telling him that. He was just about to explode from j-

Please, Edward asked, will you meet me in the cafeteria?

No. Of course not. I never want to talk to you again. I don't want to see your face again.

I didn't know the word I was writing until I handed the paper back to him, and felt his fingers graze mine as he took it. Yes.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**EDWARD**

She had agreed to talk to me.

She hated me... _"Damn right on the first two counts"_, yet she was willing to talk to me.

I felt like an infatuated teenage boy, trying to impress someone unreachable, too old for me, too mature for me. How unnatural, I thought wryly, especially as I was over a century older than her.

Yet, physically, she was older than me. _Five years._ Five years that had done more than age her. They had turned her into a different person.

I still caught glimpses of _her_, though, as she turned, a glint in her eyes for a moment before it was wiped away. I knew that she, the real her, was in there. Somewhere. She had to be. She couldn't be gone.

Couldn't be.

I would not believe it.

For if she was gone, really gone, lost inside this hard exterior, and could never find herself again, _I_ would be the cause. _I _would be the murderer, the murderer of an angel.

I sat, an unresponsive corpse, through the next couple periods, only pretending to pay attention. Lunch couldn't come quickly enough. I glared at the clock, willing it to move faster, yet they stubbornly maintained a monotonous, even pace.

Yet this anxiety, this strange emotion of necessity I felt whenever I was near her—I welcomed it. I needed it, grasped it, held it to me like an addiction. For it was something; something more than the dull, aching emptiness that my life had been for those five, long years.

I remembered composing songs for her, playing them on the piano, lying on the ground for hours staring up at the portrait Esme had painted.

I had probably gone mad at one point, if it was possible—for after seeing an angel, the corporeal world was empty, colorless. It was as if I had stared at the sun too long, and my eyes had been seared, blinded.

And now that my angel existed in my world again, who was I to resist the forces of gravity, of nature? I could only follow her like a blind man, searching for the light again.

It was with grim reality that I knew I could never keep her. She was like a beautiful daylily, that I longed to pick and press to my nose, put her in a vase and gaze at her... yet I knew I couldn't. I couldn't. I had to leave her stem attached, leave her in the beautiful world that wasn't for me.

I didn't quite know how I would survive it again. Now, even though I knew she hated me—_I had lost her_—at least she was near me, at least I knew she was safe. How would I survive when she disappeared again?

I had ruined her life the day I entered it. I had been a fool to think I could have reversed it, make it better. I had underestimated her, treated her condescendingly as a human. I should have known she would have never moved on.

That had been the point, after all. I wanted her to live, marry, have a full life... and then, like the daylily, leave this life, and reach what she deserved. An angel on earth, for such a short time, such a short time to an immortal monster like me...

Then why had I reacted so drastically when I thought she _had_ moved on? When she had told me she was _with_ Zac? An abrupt rush of furious jealousy... I remembered how Jasper had snickered, feeling the unnatural emotions from me. She wasn't mine anymore; she wasn't mine anymore, why should I be jealous?

Because I still wanted her.

I was selfish. I couldn't deny it. I was selfish, and I wanted her.

The bell rang for lunch, and I got up stiffly, unattachedly gathering my things and stepping out from the desk. Part of me hissed urgently, _don't go sit with her at lunch, you know that's the wrong thing to do, you know you should leave her alone. It's true that her life as an Angel isn't very safe, but it'd be worse with you. _

_I walked to the cafeteria, bought a tray of food I hardly noticed, and sat, playing with my fork, watching the entrance to the cafeteria, as the voice in my head continued to talk at me, growing steadily more loud, more urgent. Leave her where she is! Don't uproot her! Leave her alone! Let her live!_

I replied despairingly. _But how can I defy the forces of nature?  
_


	8. Chapter Eight

**EDWARD**

She walked out of the lunch line with the one called Valentine, chatting cheerfully. They walked together to the table they had eaten at the day before, and my heart fell. Had she changed her mind? Was she not going to eat with me anymore? Did she decide she didn't even want to talk to me?

"I can't believe you're doing this," I caught from Valentine's lips. She was looking worriedly at Bella. "Are you sure you don't want to-"

"No, I'm going to do this," Bella replied. I sighed, releasing the breath I hadn't realized I was holding.

"Why? Do you-"

Bella cut her off, placing a warning hand on her forearm, and tilting her head a little to my direction. Was she aware I was watching, listening? What had she stopped Valentine from saying? "I don't know why," she replied, answering the first part of Valentine's question.

They reached the table and Valentine sat. Bella leaned down and wrote something down on a small piece of paper, showing it to Zac. I burned with curiousity, wondering what was on it, if she was hiding it from my extrasensitive ears.

Then she turned and began to walk in my direction.

She kept her eyes lidded, looking down, or glancing to the side. Not once did she meet my eyes.

Then she reached the table in which I was sitting, alone, and dragged a chair over to a place across for me-- ignoring the chair already placed next to me.

Finally, she looked up and met my eyes. "Edward," she spoke, the word dry, inflectionless.

"Bella," I answered, my voice the opposite, throbbing with emotion. "I- I just wanted to-"

"What, Edward?" she cut me off. "I told you what I felt last night, and we both know how you feel."

So it was true. She did hate me. But I had to disillusion her on the other point... "Bella, do you know how I feel? I love you, unconditionally, eternally, the most important person in the world to me. I _never_ wanted to leave you, for _me_, but I had to, for _you_."

Her face crumpled in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I- it was the right thing- I had to let you live the life you deserved to- but I was wrong, so wrong- I didn't expect you to-"

"Edward, you know I don't believe you." The words were cold, calculating, and her expression was a stranger to me.

I couldn't stand it. I stood.

"Please!" I begged. "Please, Bella, let me see you, let me see the real _you_ inside! What you're trying to hide! I need to see you- I love you- I can't stand seeing you like this, trapped-"

She did not stand, and eventually I sat back down, feeling foolish. She waited for a few minutes until my fervor calmed and dulled to a throbbing pain. "Edward, is that what you really want?" she asked, sounding genuinely curious. "Do you really want to see me without my mask?"

She leaned forward then, and whispered, letting only a single breath escape her lips. "You may not like what you see."

We both fell silent then, and she picked at her food while I pushed mine around, out of habit.

After a while, she murmured, "I don't know why I agreed to talk to you."

My erratic, dead heart swelled for a second, until she shot it down saying, "I know it's not because I feel anything for you, but... I don't know."

I could tell my face visibly fell, for she smirked at my expression for a second, before her own went blank. How I wished, at times like this, that I could read her thoughts, know what she was thinking, feeling...

Although, as she said, maybe I didn't want to know.

No, like I had told her what seemed to be so long ago, it wasn't that I didn't want to know, it was that I didn't like what she was thinking. I always wanted to know, know everything about her. Always.

She laughed for a second, a short, sarcastic noise. "What is it?" I asked, not able to help myself.

"I was just thinking..." her voice slowed, as if thinking what she wanted to say before she said the words, "about your face just now... how different we are."

"I mean," she continued, "you're a vampire, you don't change. But I guess... I guess it's just my perception of you that has changed..." She leaned forward, stroking my cheek, and my skin tingled where she touched it. "I... you don't look quite as perfect to me anymore. More like just an unsure seventeen-year-old boy... as if my infatuation for you had blinded me, blinded me to who you really were..."

Her words almost pushed me back, knocked me down to the floor. "I always told you, I told you I was a monster, I always expected for you to run screaming, and- and now..."

She smiled mockingly, voice thick with irony. "A bit late now, isn't it?"

I reached across and grabbed her hands, holding them tightly in mine. She attempted to pull away, but I didn't release them. "Bella, please, can't you just pretend... pretend I'm just someone you know? Not Edward? Can't you just talk to me, talk to me as you would to any other person?" I needed to hear her, the _real_ her...

Her lips curved upwards slightly. "Fine. What do you want to talk about?"

My eyes traveled around the cafeteria, searching for a topic. They lit upon the table of gothic dressed Angel members, all staring at us. It was a little disconcerting that they had been watching this entire time. Did they really think I would leap up and attack her right here, in the school?

"Why... why Angels?"

"What?"

"Why choose that name?"

She began to play with her hair. "I'm not sure, really. It's not like we're angelic..." she laughed again, mockingly. How wrong she was... "angel" was the one world I had always picked to describe her...

She met my eyes. "Perhaps it is because we see ourselves as a vengeful force... attempting to rid the world of what is wrong, what shouldn't exist." How right she was. We should exist. She didn't _want_ me exist. She never wanted to have met me...

"Have you listened to the song "Angels", by Within Temptation?" she asked abruptly.

"No," I answered, not sure where she was leading this.

She smiled. "You should. It's a good song. They're a dutch band, the lead singer is Sharon de Adel... sort of symphonic metal."

She got up to throw away her trash, saying as she did so, "When I first listened to the song... I felt as if it fit us, so exactly. All of us. But it was the _truth_, for me..."

I followed her to the garbage can as she dumped her barely touched tray, inches away from her face as she turned to me, bringing her face up, close to mine as she softly sang a few lines, voice lilting and mysterious. "You broke a promise, and made me realize; it was all just a lie... Sparkling angel, I couldn't see, your dark intentions, your feelings for me..."

I sat there, not moving, as she softly wandered through the tables to the exit. Before she left, she whispered, knowing I could hear her with my enhanced senses. "This won't happen again, Edward. I was a fool to talk today. Truce over."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**BELLA**

I hummed slightly as I left the building; I didn't even consider going to Biology.

What had I been doing? Why had I acted so... so soft, and vulnerable? That was wrong-- I couldn't do that to myself. Maybe it was because he had opened himself up to me-- though he hadn't, of course. He had still been lying, he was just a good player, that was all.

I pulled out my ipod and put in my earphones, flicking down the list, then closed my eyes, leaning against the school wall as the background guitar started. I began to sing along as the male lead began.

_You were everything I wanted.  
You were everything a man could be._

Everything I thought you were, the sparkling angel I believed in, the mask you hid behind as you laughed.

_Then you left me brokenhearted,  
Now you don't mean a thing to me._

No, no, no, you don't mean a thing to me. I've left you behind, don't want you anymore. You don't mean a thing to me.

_All I wanted was your  
Love, love, love, love, love, love._

Yeah, I just wanted your love. Just wanted your love. _"You don't want me?"_

_"No." _Okay. I can take that. I can cover myself up, I can hide myself, I can make myself a different person, because of what you do to me. But here you come back, here you step right back into my life, and you think that'll be okay, just fine with me?

_Hate is a strong word,  
but i really, really, really don't like you._

Oh yeah, I hate you, I really hate you.

_Now that it's over  
I don't even know what I liked about you._

Beautiful, you were, and yeah, I admit it, I was shallow. But now I'm smart enough, I'm a grown up girl now. I can see you, I can see you for the monster you really were. And are.

_Brought you around,  
and you just brought me down._

I don't care. I got back up. I don't need you.

_Hate is a strong word,  
but I really, really, really don't like you._

I don't need you. I don't want you. I really, really, really don't like you. Hate is a strong word, yes, hate is a strong word, but not strong enough for you.

_Thought that everything was perfect,  
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?_

But what you were inside would never stay hidden forever. I had to find out. I don't blame you for telling me, I just blame you for making me fall in love with me.

_Thought you thought that I was worth it,  
Now I think a little differently._

Now I know the truth. Now I know the truth. And guess what? I blame you for it.

_All i wanted was your  
Love, love, love, love, love, love._

You want it now? You want it back? You had it all. ALL MY FUCKING LOVE. Right there in your hands. You had my heart there, and you threw it away.

_Hate is a strong word,  
but i really, really, really don't like you._

Not strong enough for you, not strong enough for you. Guess what? I'm strong now. I can stand up and and flip you off. I can tell you to fuck off, bastard, cause I really, really, really don't like you.

_Now that it's over,  
you can't hurt me.  
Now that it's over,  
you can't bring me down._

I'm strong now. I'm Bella. You can't hurt me. You can't have any piece of me. Not anymore.

_All i wanted was your  
Love, love, love, love, love, love._

I realized that the song had ended and I had continued singing the refrain into the silence, and my voice rose, yelling out to nobody. "I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU." Then I screamed, a long, wavering shriek.

Eventually Zac came out of the school and picked me up, and I let him. "God, Bella," he smiled, but you could see the anxiety behind his tight face. "He's going to drive you insane."

"No, he's not!" I protested, fighting to keep up the lie to him, to myself... "I can do it, I can stand up, stand up to him." _Now that it's over, you can't hurt me._

He sighed. "You're not coherent. Let's get you to bed."

I clung to him, fighting to stay above the waves. I couldn't let them sweep me away into the endless ocean they called emotion, I couldn't let myself be lost in it, tossed around, swept under the surface and gone...

_Now that it's over, you can't bring me down._

**You should listen to Angels by Within Temptation. Very much fits the story.**

**The other one is "Hate (I Really Don't Like You)" by Plain White T's.**


	9. Chapter Nine

**BELLA**

I was cutting school. Again.

Not that I cared; I had learned AP Biology enough times that I was thoroughly tired with it, and Gym was always a pointless class. But the fact remained that I wasn't in school.

It's not ironic at all, I thought to myself wryly, that the reason why we're in school in the first place is to keep a lookout and watch over vampires entering the city, yet when this particular vampire does appear, I run away.

Yes, run away. There was no use avoiding the term. I _ran_ away. Not because I was scared of his powers; he'd never hurt me _that _way, plus danger didn't really faze me. No, it was because I couldn't face myself. Couldn't face the person I was when I was around him.

I remembered a line from that song... "Now that it's over, you can't hurt me." It was wrong. I was lying. He still could hurt me, and he could hurt me bad. And _that_ was why I hated him. That was why I needed him gone.

I mulled over the conversation in the cafeteria as Zac pulled me onto his bike and started the motor. My mask had come dangerously close to slipping off. Maybe it was because I was sleepy. Maybe because... I had to make some excuse. I didn't want it to slip off. I couldn't want it to slip off. Not around him.

The conversation had been quieter than the one earlier, almost civil. I hadn't screamed at him, or cussed at him. That was a change, I thought to myself. Was it an improvement? Would it be harder to still be detached from him if I grew to know him again?

That's what it was, growing to know him again. We had been separated five years—my birthday was this week, and therefore the anniversary of his departure as well. I had changed, a lot, yet so had he. Not visibly, of course, he was frozen forever in the body of a seventeen-year-old.

He really was a pedophile, now I thought about it.

Moving past that, his changes were slight, but noticeable to the observant eye. It stung to realize that I had been watching him, analyzing him that much, but it was true. He was more hesitant, less confident and cocky. I remember how before he had laughed at me so much, yet now he seemed almost... frightened to laugh. Frightened of me.

He was unsure, guilty, apologizing for everything. Was he trying to turn into a Mike, going with my every whim? I was confused, and I didn't like being confused. Players didn't usually act like this.

Why was he scared of me? What could I do to him? He didn't know about the weapons we had used to defeat other vampires—or I hoped he didn't; I had told the rest to watch their minds. If they didn't figure into the equation, it was painfully obvious that he far outranked me in ways of strength, of ways to hurt him. So why did he treat me so carefully, apologizing for everything he did that offended me, as if I could kill him with a word?

I was clueless. I hated to admit it, but I was clueless.

Zac lifted me off the motorcycle, and I staggered and fell as the concrete turned out to be lower than I had expected it to be. I waited for the harsh slap of the ground against my face, but strong arms caught me.

I almost expected it to be Edward. But it was Zac. He had been helping me out a lot lately. Not sure why, we hadn't been close before.

We had never been close. He had been aloof, guarded, laughing and sarcastic, but not serious. It was as if Edward being here had pushed him to me, forced him to pay attention because I was in danger... as he said, "That's why we're here, that's why we're together, and that's why we're doing what we are." That was part of the point, after all. To band together, hold together in a group so that none of us could fall apart. To band together so our numbers could overcome the vampire abilities, but also to be there for each other, help everyone through the hard times.

I was selfish, I realized with astonishment. It came to me with stunning clarity that I had never done for the others what they had always--_always_--been willing to do for me. They had been there from the very beginning, from the day when they found me stumbling along the sidewalk, staring after the coincidental Volvo with Claire de Lune blaring out the window.

And I had taken it, relaxed into the welcoming relief, let them comfort me--but I had never given anything back. I had never had a long talk with Valentine about Ethan, though I knew she still thought about him time after time, saw his face whenever she closed her eyes just as I saw Edward. And Zac-- Zac I had never asked. I didn't know his story, nothing at all. I hadn't cared.

We walked silently into his bedroom, and sat down on the bed as the mattress bounced a little.

"Are you alright?" It seemed like he was asking this question a lot lately.

"Yeah." I attempted to sound nonchalant, and wasn't sure how well it came across. "I guess I was just sleepy- I got about half an hour last night, you know." I laughed, relaxing a little with the half-truth, then a yawn interrupted it, forcing itself out of my mouth as if to emphasize the point. I really was tired.

"Mm," he replied, noncommittingly. What was he thinking?

I hesitated, then forced my mouth open to ask. _Don't be selfish._ "Zac, I wanted to ask you something, I was just wondering... What's your story?"

His posture abruptly stiffened, his back straightening to a ramrod line, tendons on his arms tightening visibly. He stared intently at the blank wall opposite him, as if there was something he couldn't quite evaluate on it, and stupidly I glanced to see. Of course, there was nothing.

"Do you really want to know?" His voice were curt, as if he was forcing his jaw open, but his teeth wanted to stay clenched together.

Do I want to have my vision of beautiful vampires shot down even further? _Don't be selfish._ Why am I so stubborn, clinging to the fake image I learned so long ago was false? _Sparkling angel, I believe, you were my saviour, in my time of need._

"Yes."

He sighed and, with an obvious effort, relaxed. He leaned back, head easing down to rest in interlocked hands, with his elbows up. His knees dangled off the long edge of the bed, and I realized I was in an identical position.

"Her name was Celeste. A beautiful name, it meant _heavenly_... and she was a human. Blemished and imperfect. She was too skinny and her platinum blonde hair was wispy, never quite growing thick enough, but I loved her.

"We met when we were sixteen, and we dated throughout all of high school and our first year of college, which we spent together. As you know, this is kinda strange in the society we live in today, in which you date for two weeks before you break up." He attempted a smirk but it was half-hearted, as his eyes were unfocused, staring into the distance, the past.

"Celeste was very friendly, and my entire family liked her. My mother was sweet and sensitive, my father caring and always wanted to do what was best for me and my younger sister, Laura. Celeste and Laura in particular were very good friends, and I was in high hopes of getting married, as everyone seemed extremely happy with the relationship. Celeste was raised by a single mother, who approved as well.

"I asked her to marry me at the end of my second year of college; I remember the day well. We were getting out of my car in front of my house, laughing and chatting about how glad we were the year was finally over. The entire day-- well, the entire week, actually-- I had been pondering and worrying about how to ask her. Intuitive as she was, she picked up on it, and asked me several times what was wrong. I had put off answering her question, telling her I'd give her the answer when we reached my house.

"'So, we're here,' she informed me teasingly, as I held the passenger door open for her. 'Do I get to find out the big secret now?'

"I bit my lip and nodded, whispering, 'Close your eyes.'

"She obeyed, lips quivering with curiosity. I pulled her hand up from her side and unfolded it, placing the ring in her palm.

"She opened her eyes, and looked down into her hand. She looked so astounded and delighted I thought I could die, and I wouldn't know the difference, for I was already in utopia. 'Zac, oh God...' she stammered, then fell into my arms and we kissed.

"How could I have dreamed that it would last? I had gotten off without much drama in my life for much of my time; I had been spoiled. I hadn't realized yet that whoever holds the puppet strings will always find some way to get you back, and a hundred fold, for every moment of joy you ever experienced.

"We entered the house then, cheeks flushed with excitement, holding hands. My mother looked up, mumbling something about my sister and her tendency to invite people over without asking permission, then jerked upright, shocked, as she saw the ring on her finger.

"'Mom,' I said, unable to restrain the victory in my voice, 'I'd like you to meet my fiancee.'

"She stood there for a couple seconds, stunned, until she broke through the astonishment and collapsed on us both, hugging Celeste tight and weeping into my shoulder. 'Oh, how perfect, I can't believe it, you two are so perfect together, my little Zac...' Eventually she got incoherent and we pushed her off, laughing.

"Laura, at that minute, came in the kitchen with three of the friends she was always dragging over from school or volleyball practice or whatever clubs she was involved in, and was engulfed by my mother's emotion. 'Laura! Can you believe it! Zac's engaged!'"

"Laura looked embarrassed, but turned and smiled at me before pushing Mom off. 'Uh, Mom, that's great, but we have guests...'

"I turned to look at them, and was surprised by how... perfect was the only way I could describe them. They were two males and one female, and they were all tall, pale, and had dark rings under their eyes. I remember thinking they must have worn contacts for a joke, for their eyes were bright red...

"Just then, my father entered the house, slamming the door behind him as he called out, 'Hey, all! Back from work!'

"One of the males stiffened as the gust of air, caused by the door, hit him.

"The rest happened too fast for me to see. All I knew was that he whispered something in Latin that sounded like 'la tua cantante', and he leaped at Celeste, knocking to the ground.

"The others pulled him off, but it was too late. Not visibly, for she just seemed as if she had suffered a bump on the head from hitting the kitchen tile, but he had gotten his teeth into her. It wasn't until much later that I realized exactly what that meant...

"They ran, of course, cowards that they are. And they left Celeste there, screaming...

"I remember how helpless I felt, sitting there by her side, unable to stop her pain. I couldn't bring her to the doctor, because of the female's parting words... 'If you tell others of her, she will not be safe.' And then, my horror when she opened her eyes, and I looked into the crazed, blood red pools they had become...

"We couldn't stop her. We weren't strong enough. She was a newborn, and couldn't retrain herself... I do not blame her for what happened.

"She killed them all.

"All of them, my mother, father, Laura... drained their lives, and looked up at me, mouth dripping with their blood...

"She attacked me too, threw me across the room, pushed me against the wall with her bone-breaking hand, almost choking me and breaking my ribs. But I did not struggle, how could I? She leaned down to my neck, and I thought that was it. She would kill me.

"But then she pulled back, and ran. Ran out of the room, with the dead bodies, the blood splashed violently across the clean tiles, and she almost ripped the door off the hinges as she burst through it, running out of the house. I never saw her again.

"And I lay there, for a while, ribs and arm broken, bleeding from the leg where a kitchen knife, lying on the counter had cut me, bruise marks on my neck, and it seemed an eternity before I finally sunk into unconsciousness."

His voice broke, and I looked up, finally realizing he had been silently sobbing for a while. His face was in his hands, and his shoulders were shaking. I wasn't sure what to do. Hug him, tell him I was there? Tell him it was okay? It would be a lie. It wasn't okay.

So I did the only thing I could do, and sit there in silence. I did not think less of him for the fact that he was crying. It was stupid, this unspoken rule that only girls were allowed to display emotion. I longed to reach to him, wrap my arms around his chest, tell him I was sorry, but I knew that wouldn't help, would make him feel uncomfortable.

After a while he regained his composure and lifted his head, dark, long lashes wet. "I did what I could. I moved. I gave to a pawn shop the engagement ring that had fallen, bloody, to the kitchen floor off her finger. And then I found the Angels...

"Back then it was only Keith, Lucien, Angelica, and Yasmin; you don't know her, she was killed by the time you joined. They told me about their mission, and explained the whole vampire world to me. I joined up readily, for the vampires had effectively killed my fiancee. Perhaps she still existed, somewhere, but she was dead, changed, a monster. My Celeste was gone. I thought I could never love again-"

I interrupted. "What do you mean, you _thought_ you could never love again?" That didn't make sense. Had he fallen in love with someone else since then?

He flinched, as if he hadn't meant to say that. "I didn't mean that. It doesn't matter."

I mulled over that for a bit, but decided to let it drop. Who cared about some girl he had fallen in love with in the past?

"And so," he finished, "I decided to stay here, be of the Angels, and do my part to destroy those who had destroyed my love. If I died in the process, so much the better." His eyes flashed with anger and pride, and again I longed to reach out to him.

"Oh, Zac," I murmured, realizing I was now curled up on the bed in a fetal position. "That's so sad... I'm so sorry..."

He lay back down across the portion of the bed I wasn't on, staring at the ceiling. "I've learned to accept it. But, well," he met my eyes, "I guess you know what I mean when I say I could never move on."

Yes. I knew exactly what he meant. "Yes."

We lay there in silence for a while, and I felt myself grow drowsy as I pondered his story. How horrible, to have the ultimate joy laid before you, then taken away so tragically...

My last thought before I disappeared into the deep ocean of dreamless sleep was how much less my troubles were than his.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

I only woke halfway, a couple hours later. Judging by the light coming from the window, it was before dinnertime, but a tint of dim bluish-grey was tainting the clear brightness of the daytime.

I was in Zac's arms, laying across his chest with his strong arms wrapped around my body.

I turned to look at his face, and he was asleep, eyes closed and chest rising softly with each deep breath. With his eyes closed, and long lashes falling over his high cheekbones, he looked vulnerable and innocent. I didn't attempt to move, but instead closed my eyes and relaxed again.

And as I fell back asleep in his arms, a poem came to me, but I was too comfortable, and too halfway-asleep, to get up and write it down in my notebook.

_it's okay, don't worry  
you're a man but go ahead  
go ahead and cry, cry  
I won't laugh, I promise_

_you're frightened of nothing  
that I know, don't worry  
don't be afraid that seeing you cry  
will make me think less of you_

_is it only girls who are permitted tears?  
why can't men show emotion?  
don't worry, I won't criticize  
if you let out what you feel_

_you can trust that I won't bring it up  
your secret's safe with me  
I will never tell that we sat together  
and our tears mixed on the floor_

_for you know what  
it kinda makes me like you more_

I intended to write it down when I woke up again. But mixed up by my muddled dreams and terrible nightmares, I forgot it, and it stayed there, in the section of my mind called "things I've forgotten", never written.

**"Men Can Cry Too" is written by me, specifically for this story.**

**Um idr if I've said this yet but other than the poetry everything else doesn't belong to me. Songs belong to their creators and the whole Twilight universe belongs to Stephenie Meyer. This goes for every chapter. Like I said, I might have said this before, but don't want to get sued or something like that o.o**

**What do you think about what I did with Zac's story? I kinda combined some of your ideas and added my own, as in the entire family dying and he watched it happen, and the vampire family who are friends (except in this case I changed it to friends with his sister) and basically killed his lover, from his perspective. Added in the newborn twist. Sad, eh? I hope you all didn't just skip it cause it didn't have B/E, because I really liked the story :(**

**Bella is a bit of an idiot, isn't she? Can you guess what she isn't guessing? I tried to make it pretty obvious, even before this. And DON'T WORRY, this is a B/E fic.**

**If you got another story alert, it's because I found another piece to this chapter I forgot about it. It's in the beginning, feel free to read that if you wish. No major plot though; just her thinking about stuff.**


	10. Chapter Ten

**EDWARD**

She did not arrive in Biology.

I waited, expectantly, in the classroom four minutes before class started. I was excited that I had gained some ground, at least gain her attention.

It was fifteen minutes into the lecture that I first began to get suspicious, and it was halfway through the period that I finally admitted to my reluctant mind that she wasn't coming.

My innovative mind instantly began to dream up alternative reasons why she wasn't here; family problems, she had a doctor's appointment, needed to change classes—no prizes for guessing why--, bumped against someone in the hallway and got hurt. I was so desperate to believe any alternative that the last delusion actually frightened me.  
I knew, of course, the real reason. She was avoiding me.

I browsed through the minds in or around the school, looking for her, almost like flipping through a library catalog, moving my thumb down the list to see anything mentioning 'Bella'.

_Shit! Forgot my homework! Ms. Moriarty is going to kill me—this is the fifth time._

_He's looking at me. Oh my god, he's looking at me. Okay, now he looked away. But he definitely looked at me. I need to tell Manda._

_I hate this teacher. Can't even remember his fucking name. Hate his annoying twangy voice, hate the way he always—always!— picks me. Why can't he just let us all sleep?_

_Fucking bloodsucker._

I zeroed instantly on the voice. _Bloodsucker... vampire... _this was one of the Angels.

_Got to get her away from this place. He's going to drive her insane..._

I looked through his eyes and almost had a coronary arrest, if it were possible. Zac was on his motorcycle, Bella was on the back, clinging tightly to his waist.

_"I was joking about Zac, I'm single,"_ I repeated to myself, over and over again. She's single. She's not with him. She's single. Yet with his senses, I felt her warm, sensitive arms wrapped around his waist, and her chest leaning delicately against his back. It was all I could do not to leap out of the seat, snarling, and go to where they were, ripping the man off the bike and _tearing_ him apart... _killing..._

I suddenly realized that for these sensations, these feelings of her skin against his to be swimming at the front of his mind, so easy to read, _he_ must be dwelling on them too. _He_ must be thinking about how she felt, thinking _that way_ about her...

I dug deeper into his thoughts, to assemble the wisps of shocked, tingly amazement into coherent words. _I promised myself I'd never do this again... I couldn't do this to myself, to her... it's not fair, what am I doing... but God, this feels so good..._

Without pulling myself back to the classroom, I stood, body trembling like a furious werewolf. Though my body was still in school, my mind was on the road, running beside the motorcycle, seconds away from tearing his _throat_ out. He would die... she said they weren't together, but it was obvious he wanted differently.

I heard, faintly, as if from far away, the teacher calling, "Mr. Cullen! Sit down, please!" I did not respond, my mind and eyes still on the highway, fury blinding me. "MR. CULLEN!"

I jerked my attention back to the classroom, the insignificant room devoid of anything to grasp my interest. The teacher was standing in front of my desk, waving her hand in front of my face. _Is he alright? He looks like he had a seizure or something... _I quickly sat down.

"I'm sorry," I said politely, though I was burning with the urge to simply leap out of the classroom, bursting through the wall if it were quicker. "I have a peculiar disease that leaves me unresponsive for a couple moments, but is harmless. However, may I go to the clinic to contact my father, Dr. Cullen, about the incident?" I had to get out of here.

"I— of course," the teacher stammered, suddenly rendered speechless. I flashed a cautious smile, at which her mind swirled and blurred, incapable of coherent thought. Young teachers... I sighed, exasperated as I got up and, at a decent pace, left the room.

As soon as I was out of the vision of any humans, I collapsed against the wall, panting heavily. That had been an utmost test of my restraint; there was no human I wanted to kill right now as much as Zac. I wanted to tear out his throat, let his blood spurt onto the ground...

"Edward!"

At the sound of my name, I groaned. Trust Alice. I would thank her later, for preventing me from exposing us all-- but right now, I wanted to let go of responsibility, and just _kill _this human...

She appeared in front of me with lightning-fast speed, hands on hips and feet set apart. Her eyes were sparking and her jaw was clenched. How could this four-foot-tall girl appear so frightening? She glared, spitting out, "Edward, I don't care _what _your excuse is. You do _not_ kill the boy. You didn't kill those rapists in Seattle, and suddenly you're planning to kill this one because you're _jealous_?"

I snarled. "He's a rapist too. A murderer. Bella as much as admitted it." I didn't repeat her exact words, _"So have I."_ They were all lies, her words, even her actions. They weren't who she really was, and I could-- _I would_-- see past them, seeing through her hard exterior to who she really was. The girl I had seen, fighting to get out at lunch...

Suddenly, I was swept into Alice's thoughts as a vision hit her. I caught the tail end.

_They've gotten to their apartment,_ she thought, and my fists clenched at the implication. No, no, sweet innocent Bella couldn't be sleeping with him, that wasn't who she was... even now...

_Bella trips and falls as she gets off of the motorcycle, and she closes her eyes, not even attempting to put her hands out to catch herself. She doesn't care if she got hurt, no, because she's already been hurt, nothing can hurt her worse than that._

_But then, Zac's strong arms catch her, and she looks up, back arched as she stays in that position, not trying to get up. He stares into her eyes, and she stares back. But while her gaze is thoughtful and penitent, his is intent and full of desire. She does not appear to notice, however, and sighs as she pulls herself up, holding onto his arm for support. Then they walk into the building together, her hand not losing its grasp and his arm not moving from her waist._

I snapped myself out of the vision. _No, no, no_... "I'm single," she said. "I was kidding about Zac." She wasn't with him. She wasn't. Yet they were sleeping in the same apartment... _No. No, Edward._

I opened my eyes, startled, as the voice in my head said my name, and I realized it was Alice. I was kneeling on the ground, gripping my hair again. "No," she continued, aloud, satisfied that she had gotten my attention. "She doesn't feel anything for him. I can tell. She just thinks of him as a friend, you can see that in the way she looks at him. So different from the way she looked at _you_..."

I grimaced, forcing out shortly, "I note the past tense."

She sighed. "That's true. But," she walked over me and stood on tiptoe to put her hand around my shoulders, "she still feels something for you. She's trying to repress it, but it's there. I can tell."

I refused to look at my diminutive sister. "How do you know? I'm the mind reader, not you."

She smirked. "I'm very perceptive. And you've been a bit distracted lately."

I slid out of her hug, and began to walk along the hallway. I definitely did not plan on going back to class. I could sense Alice next to me, but I didn't look. It didn't matter if she was following me.

She cleared her throat, and I groaned exasperatingly. Why couldn't she leave me alone? I really didn't want to talk. Not picking my desire for solitude up, however, or blatantly ignoring it, she continued in a chirping, falsely cheerful voice. "About these Angels... we need to talk about them."

"What about them?" I muttered.

"Well," she hesitated, "they seem pretty aware of our world, and about us. They can't hurt us, obviously, but they can be a danger to our secrecy."

I whipped around. "Are you suggesting we kill Bella?"

She flinched back. "No! No, that's not what I meant. We just need to-- find out more about them-- you know..." she trailed off uncertainly.

I turned back to the floor, aware that we were now at the school entrance. "Yes, I know." But I really didn't care.

She sighed, and didn't say anything for a couple moments. Then she whispered, "I'm just worried about you, Edward. You're my brother. That's all." Then I felt the sudden emptiness in the space beside me that told me that she was gone.

I felt a small pang of guilt. I knew I was hurting my family, too. But it really was inevitable. Without Bella, I was dead.

I wandered through the parking lot to my car, and leaned against the glossy black door for a while, watching the sky. It was dark, covered in a grey sheet that was smooth from horizon to horizon. It did not even appear like clouds, but as if they sky was grey, and had always been that way. As if the blue had never existed.

But just then, a breeze picked up, and a piece of the grey curtain shifted a little, exposing a bright blue ray of sky. Just a patch, but my eyes focused on it, reveling on it. It wasn't enough to make my skin sparkle, so I didn't need to hide, but enough that I could appreciate it. I had never seen blue for so long...

And then the patch of grey at the other side shifted as well, sliding smoothly over the azure gleam. The place where it had been was now a seamless bit of the hard, metal-colored sky that swept over my vision, and it looked as if it had always been like that, but I remembered the blueness. I remembered it, and I knew it had been there.

I slipped into my car, and pulled out my ipod from the drawer. A line of soft, alluring song came to my mind, Bella's voice as she threw her trash away... _"You broke a promise, and made me realize; it was all just a lie... Sparkling angel, I couldn't see, your dark intentions, your feelings for me..."_

What was the name of the song? She had told me it. _It was all just a lie..._ She was wrong. So wrong. But there was that bit of sapphire sky that was there, that believed me, I knew it...

_"Have you listened to the song "Angels", by Within Temptation?"_

Ah.

I quickly scrolled through the artists, to the bottom. _Within Temptation_. Bella had liked this band, she had listened to it and sang softly, sometimes when I was out her window. Her voice was different now, less sweet and lovely, but with more power and mystery to it. I didn't know how I liked her voice better.

For a while, when I was separated from her, I had almost gone insane, hearing her voice in my head, her face in my mind. Whispering to me, taunting, singing softly, tempting me to go back to her. _I can't_, I always replied to her, despairingly.

My hand hovered over the 'play' button, and now I heard her voice again, taunting, mocking. _Yes, Edward, play it. Let me tell you what you've done to me. Let me tell you what I think of you. Let me show you how much I hate you._

I hit play.

_Sparkling angel I believe  
You were my savior in my time of need._

She had always thought of me as an angel, a god... Her astonished amazement as she gazed at my skin, in the meadow... I remembered her face as she looked up at me, in my arms, Tyler's van crushed around my body. Back when she had trusted me without limits... _"I feel very safe around you."_

_Blinded by faith I couldn't hear  
All the whispers, the warnings so clear._

Blinded, she said she was. Now she wasn't. Now she saw me for the monster I was. I had never deserved her, and now I was getting paid back, in tears and chunks of my very being, for every moment I had stolen from her.

_I see the Angels,  
I'll lead them to your door.  
There's no escape now,  
No mercy no more._

I heard the capitalized "Angels", as clear as if I were reading the lyrics. "I'll lead them to your door."... No. I remembered what Esme said... Bella wouldn't do that. She wouldn't do that. Yet she had told them about our powers... but it was as she said. Only for defense.

_No remorse cause I still remember_

_The smile when you tore me apart.  
You took my heart,  
Deceived me right from the start.  
You showed me dreams,  
I wished they'd turn into real.  
You broke a promise and made me realize.  
It was all just a lie.  
_

No, Bella, it wasn't a lie! I loved you, I love you, I never lied! What I told you in the forest- _that_ was the lie, the biggest blasphemy I could have ever uttered. _Deceived me right from the start._ That was what she believed. I had never loved her. I was a player.

_Sparkling angel, I couldn't see  
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.  
Fallen angel, tell me why?  
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?  
I see the angels,  
I'll lead them to your door  
There's no escape now  
No mercy no more  
No remorse cause I still remember_

__

The smile when you tore me apart  
You took my heart,  
Deceived me right from the start.  
You showed me dreams,  
I wished they'd turn into real.  
You broke a promise and made me realize.  
It was all just a lie.  
Could have been forever.  
Now we have reached the end.

This world may have failed you,  
It doesn't give the reason why.  
You could have chosen a different path in life.

_The smile when you tore me apart.  
You took my heart,  
Deceived me right from the start.  
You showed me dreams,  
I wished they'd turn into real.  
You broke a promise and made me realize.  
It was all just a lie.  
Could have been forever.  
Now we have reached the end._

The last two lines could have come straight from Bella's mouth. "We could have had forever. We could have lived, happily. But it was all just a lie... now that's all gone. Now there is nothing left between us. Now we have reached the end."

She was right. "There's no escape now, no mercy no more." If she wanted to kill me, I would let her. If she wanted me gone, who was I to deny her? If she felt that way about me, there was nothing left in life for me.

**Yeah kinda filler, again. Um... this was written at 2am? Next chapter brings on the drama. ;D Hint: Characters: Bella, Edward, and Zac; Setting: At night, Zac's apartment.**

**If you'd like faster updates, add me on myspace. (Ginny Invisible) I'll post chapters on my blog there first.**


	11. Chapter Eleven

Earlier Chapters: Bella finally talks with Edward, gets distraught, skips school, Zac brings her home and tells her about his story, they fall asleep together.

**BELLA**

When I woke up for the second time the conversation between Zac and me had blurred. All that had stuck in my mind was that his fiancee had been bitten, and she had killed his family. I didn't even remember her name. Celia? Colleen? Collette? Something that started with a "C"?

I was lying across the pillow, curled up in a fetal position. Zac was on the other half of the bed, legs and an arm dangling off the edge. Guilt made a sour taste in my mouth; before tomorrow, I'd buy one of those stupid inflatable mattresses to lay on the floor. I couldn't kick him off of his bed.

I rolled over to be able to see him better. I had heard once that people looked more innocent when they slept, and when I looked at Zac, I understood exactly what they meant. He was normally so cocky and assured; now he looked fragile and vulnerable. Did I change so drastically when I slept? Did my walls drop when I was unconscious?

His breathing stuttered then evened again as his eyelids fluttered open. He seemed dazed, at first, as he met my eyes, then the muscles tightening his mouth loosening into a smile. "Wow," he said, slurring his words a bit with drowsiness, "I was sure knocked out. What time is it?"

I checked the clock on the dresser. "Ten thirty. We slept like six hours."

"Fuck!" He leaped up, checking it for himself. "I was going to pop over to Sheila's."

I bounced up, irritated. "Since when have you and Sheila been together?"

He shrugged, a casual action that nonetheless labeled him as what he was. "We're not, really. But um... the first night was yesterday?"

I laughed shortly. "Manwhore."

He froze in the middle of pulling a comb through his hair, slowly turning to face me. Then he put a false smile on his face, and opened his mouth to say, "Look who's talking, Bella." Yet the words seemed unnatural, forced.

"What did I say?"

He let the comb drop back into the dresser, and his dark hair fell messily over his eyes as he fell back onto the bed. "Nothing, really."

I didn't say anything, but let the silence swell.

He sighed. "Shit, Bella, why do you keep making me say things I never really meant to say? I didn't want to tell you about Celeste, or anything..." He let his head fall back onto the mattress as he continued. "Well, I did it, anyway. So I might as well tell you." He sighed.

"I never wanted to be like this. Not really. Well, I never wanted anything except to marry Celeste and live the rest of my life with her, but beyond that... even before I met her, I never wanted to be what I am. A player. A manwhore, just like you said.

"I know Sheila and all the rest don't care, that they realize that it isn't real. But sometimes I feel bad, somehow, and I wish I weren't doing this... and then the next day I'm like fuck that, I want to live my life as much as I can. I give in.

"Remember when we were going out? It wasn't real, we just did it for the sex, really, and that was it. For both of us. We were using each other. It was mutual, and it was silently agreed, but it still was what it was.

"And I'm not doing anything to change that. I'm not, because I can't. I'm too weak."

I shook my head slowly. "You're not weak because you're cynical enough to recognize the truth. That there really isn't anything better." How had this gotten into one of those 'deep' conversations? I had just called him a manwhore. He just needed to call me a whore back, and move on.

"No! You don't understand!" He sat up, leaning closer to me. "That's not what I mean. There may be something better, and there may not be. But what I do, what all of us do, it's even more pathetic that what lovesick couples do. Think back to when we were going out. Did we ever make out, or even hug, for that matter, without it turning into sex? Did we ever really enjoy each other's time, just for that?"

I dropped my head. I had been thinking about that too, lately. "No," I whispered.

He leaned closer, training his eyes on mine so I couldn't escape from the reality he was forcing on me. "And when was the last time that you really did that? That you actually enjoyed someone's company just for who they were, not what they could do for you?"

I wasn't going to say it. He knew the answer anyway.

He put his hand on my cheek, cold and tingly, pulling my face up, brushing my hair out of my eyes with his other hand. "The last time was him, right?"

I nodded, almost imperceptibly. _I'm not going to cry, no, I'm not going to cry..._

It was true, everything he said. Every word of it. Edward leaving had changed me, left me empty. But what I had failed to realize--or maybe just didn't want to--had been that what I had done to continue to live past it, was to change myself into a person that I hardly knew. And it was true that I never wanted to spend time with someone for who they were. I spent time with them for how well they could provide a distraction.

A sudden memory swam up of how well Zac could provide that particular distraction, and his hand, still on my face, seemed to get colder. I didn't want to shrink away, though, and the reason I told myself was that it would be impolite.

"It's the same thing for me," he murmured, his breath warm against my face. "Since Celeste... I've just wanted what a girl can do for me, not who she is. I don't even fucking care who she is, whether a slut, or a whore, or a virgin. Just how sexy she looks and how exciting she can make my nights.

"And really, I've never wanted anyone else. Because that would mean opening up... and I couldn't do that..."

My lips were chapped and dry. "Seems to me you've opened up plenty."

He laughed breathlessly. "Yeah. Lately."

I didn't really remember how it had felt to actually love someone--or be infatuated by them, at least. It was all so long ago, and my feelings were dead. I could only remember the feeling of pain, the feeling of loss that came after it. But the feeling of love... I didn't know what it felt like. Not anymore.

And it was true. I had dated, after that. But I had never felt that special feeling for anyone. I just did it to be with someone, for the sex, just to cover up my pain. I didn't even really _talk_ to them, didn't really care about who they were, what they thought...

And of course we had that unspoken agreement. That both of us knew neither was in it for anything real. But did that make it right?

"It's... addicting," Zac added. "Once you've driven yourself into that rut of seeing everyone but yourself something only to be used, once you've convinced yourself that no one else is important, no one else deserves your attention, your emotion... You really can't see them as a person anymore. It's like you're empty... and the only way you _can_ see them is as someone to be used. Just for the fact of being with them. Not for anything more...

"I've been wondering, though. If its possible. If it can be done. If any of us, maybe, could bring ourselves out of that hole."

_Let my mask fall from my eyes._

His earnest eyes burned into me, not letting me look away, not letting me be weak. And I suddenly realized what he was saying. He was challenging me.

Challenging me to not be weak, to try, to look at someone for who they actually were.

And I suddenly found I wanted to.

And I leaned forward, grabbed onto his shoulder to pull myself up, and kissed him.

His lips were soft, warm, not at all how I remembered Edward's. _I'm comparing him to Edward even now..._ my mind whispered snidely, but I pushed the thought away. His hands were strong and real as they entangled into my hair, trembling slightly as they pulled me closer. But I didn't close my eyes, I kept them open, kept staring straight into his eyes.

He was so _human_. Real, like my fantasy of a perfect boy who sparkled had suddenly fallen away. Maybe Edward had been right, after all. Maybe he should have left. He didn't belong with me, and I didn't belong with him. He should have died, long ago, and it was just through a supernatural twist of fate that he happened to be forced into eternity.

Then why couldn't I stop thinking of him? I groaned slightly. Why was I always pulling myself in two directions? Here I was, with a boy who was perfect and imperfect, two halves that fit together into a whole, with a boy whose warm arms wrapped around me tightly like Edward's never could, for fear of breaking me. How I desired to relax, to let myself throw myself at this boy, to yank away every bit of me that had belonged to Edward and give it to Zac...

Zac let out a moan, soft yet deep, and pulled away for a second, caressing my cheek with his callused hand. And as I again crushed my lips against his, molding them together, sliding in my tongue to mingle with his, I thought dazily, _This is what I could have with a human. _I've broken my shell, I'm free--look what you can do now, Bella. Look at the possibilities.

Then I heard a strangled cry from behind me.

I broke off, pulled away, heart twanging guiltily at the tiny crease of hurt in Zac's eyes. And turned my head, body still entrapped, entangled with Zac's, to meet Edward's eyes.

He stood there, eyes wide with shock and horror, just stood, like the world had fallen away from under him.

**EDWARD**

"I'm single," she had said. The words pounded in my brain over and over again, as I stared, disbelieving of what my eyes showed me with perfect vampire clarity. That despicable bastard draped over her body, hands _touching_ her face, breathing hard after _tasting_ her lips. And Bella, eyes bright with excitement, lips beautiful and full, half parted, her slender hands tight around his broad shoulders, tanned neck.

I felt as if I had walked into somewhere I didn't belong. Me, an undead, something abnormal. Either more than a century year old, or only seventeen. With my skin white and cold. How could I measure up to this Zac, with his hot breath reddening her skin slightly, with his thudding heartbeat, his warm arms pressed tight around her body?

But she had told me she wasn't with him. That she was single.

Bella had lied to me.

I remembered the uplifting feeling pressing upwards from my chest after talking to her at lunch, that she had deigned to speak to me, that maybe I had gained some ground. But all the while, she had been lying. I had never had a chance.

Fiery despair pooled up in me, and I felt as if I were drowning in it. It rose up, tearing agony into my throat as it rushed upwards, spilling into my throat, and I opened my mouth for the despairing scream that was filling my only thought, but nothing came out.

My eyes fell to the floor. _Kill me,_ I begged. Anyone.

I had followed Zac to his house, waiting outside, distracted. Then his thoughts assaulted my mind, pounding, no longer coherent but simply emotions. And I had clambered up the tree smoothly in an instant, panicking at the thought of Bella in danger, jumped through the window, and then seen.

Seen the truth.

"Bella-" my voice cracked. I wanted to disappear. Die. "I just thought-- you said--"

I heard her heartbeat speed up before she opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again. Her words were full of the worst torturing emotion possible. Pity. "Edward, I--I'm sorry. I admit that I hated you, but I didn't want--this just kind of..." she trailed off, looking up into Zac's eyes for confidence.

His arms tightened, infinitesmally, around her.

She sighed then, sitting up. "I'm not going to ask what the hell you're doing here. And I'm not going to bitch at you either. I just--"

"Shh," I said. _Give her the only thing you can. Release._ "It's okay. You can do what you want. _I_ left _you_." I attempted a smile. "I'm sorry for everything I caused you. I did it just out of love, and it seems that it's finally working out, so... that's good."

Her eyes tightened then--_in anger? Why would she be angry? _"I see then. You're still going with the "for my own good" thing, then." Her fists clenched, and she pulled away from Zac a little.

"I--" Why did I do everything wrong now? What had happened to my suaveness, my smooth responses?

Her arms hung loose again, and I longed to take her small hand. She smiled tiredly. "I don't really know what to believe anymore. I don't know if I can--" She broke off, looking up at Zac. His mind was a jumble of words, meant to disguise his thoughts from me, but two words pulled through, glaring and bold. _Kill him._

Oh.

So she was going to kill me.

How would she do that? A human?

It didn't matter.

I slumped over, falling into the chair, whispering, "I understand." My mind was dead already.

She laughed then, a sound ripping through the thick atmosphere, blatantly out of place. "No--I can't, not now..." She pressed her hands to the sides of her head, eyes squeezed closed. "Why is my life so fucked up..."

Zac abruptly stood. "I'm going to leave you two alone. Bella--" he touched the side of her face, turning it to stare intensely into his eyes. "Do what you think is right."

She reached her hand up to touch his cheek, and tilted her head ever so slightly so that her lips pressed lightly against his. The moment was so agonizingly intimate that it was like a human looking straight at the sun. I looked away. "Don't worry," she murmured against his lips.

His lips curled into a bittersweet smile, then turned towards the door. His thought burned into my mind, white and pure. _Don't let him hurt you, Bella._

And, out of my imagination, I almost heard her reply,_ I won't._

**Muahaha. The story is in no way done. So don't assume things. I'll try to update faster... !starts working on next chapter**

**I already wrote the next chapter, but I'm going to have to rewrite it. The whole B/Z thing is bigger than I expected, but yeah. So that'll need to be different. I was also going to have Edward walk into Bella and Zac having sex instead of just kissing, but the words just came out of Zac's mouth and he ended up being all 'you should see someone for who they are, not just the sexual appeal' so that wouldn't work. -.- stfu Zac. But oh well, all you B/E fans wouldn't enjoy it anyway. !hugs Zac**

**Sorry again! I'm really going to try to keep my motivation up .-.**

**AND YES! THIS IS STILL BELLA EDWARD! IT WILL BE BELLA EDWARD! OKAYYY!**


	12. Chapter Twelve

**EDWARD**

It is difficult, sometimes, to know what you truly want. Sometimes, you know you _should_ want something, but you don't. You know you're selfish, and you want not to be, but you still are. You know this desirous, angry feeling filling up your body is jealousy, but you know what you truly should want is the complete opposite of what you actually are doing. It is more than indecision—it is your mind and body completely tearing you apart.

I had three different desires, three points in my life that gave it a purpose. First, I wanted Bella happy. Second, I wanted whatever she wanted. But lastly, the selfish, jealous part of me, I wanted her for me.

And my three wants could not exist together. They were impossible. Because she hated me, and she wanted me gone. And she wanted someone else. Zac.

Before, I would have gotten up, sat next to her on the bed. But she did not belong to me anymore. She belonged to another. So I stayed where I was, standing on the wooden floor, hands hanging limp and empty.

Now we were alone. But it made no difference.

I opened my mouth. "Are you going to kill me?"

She took a moment, and then shook her head slowly. "No. I can't do that."

I stepped closer recklessly, pinning her with my eyes. If I lost ground now, it didn't matter. I had already lost. "I don't care, Bella. Do it now. I want to be dead if—if you--"

She licked her lips, heartbeat accelerating, then turned to glare at me. "Why do you always have to ruin everything? I can't kill you, but I can't _not_..." She took a deep breath, and her words slowed. "I want to kill you. I want to. But that's the easy way out. And I'm going to stop taking the easy way. I have to."

She stood and walked over me, grazing her fingers over my arm. I held still at the touch. _Don't react..._ "I guess not killing you is kind of backing out too. I don't think you'd stop me, would you?" She was looking somewhere between my chin and neck, refusing to meet my eyes, as the hand trailed upward, tracing my shoulder blades.

"No," I breathed, willing her not to startle away. "I would let you kill me."

"Why?" She sounded genuinely curious.

I told her the truth, in an emotionless voice. "There is no life for me without you."

Her hand tensed for a moment, then continued moving. Her voice was nonchalant, as if she were talking about the weather. "I'm not sure anymore. I was so positive all that was BS... but I can't tell if you're lying or telling the truth. Maybe you are..."

I froze. Hope pounded at the side of my head, but I couldn't let it in. If I accepted hope, and she took it away, I would be destroyed. Did she really mean what I thought she did? Did she mean she might believe me? Might accept me?

But what about Zac?

She sighed, slumping slightly to the side. "I guess it doesn't matter, really. If you vampires are all inheritely evil, then we really don't have a choice. But—you make me wonder..." she finally looked up into my eyes, and I realized she was wearing black contacts, concealing the warm brown I had loved, "if maybe it would have been better if you hadn't left, if I had stayed innocent, the person I once was..."

Her other hand came up to touch my neck, slightly, with one finger. "I can't let go, you know. Even when kissing... other people," I heard the silent word, _Zac_, "I can't forget. I'm always comparing... maybe I really belong with a human. Maybe those few months five years ago were just fantasy, something that was never meant to happen. But I'll never forget..."

She fell back a little. "Maybe you are evil. Maybe you're laughing inside right now. But still... my dream Edward still exists. In my imagination." She laughed harshly, and attempted to pull away, but my arms that I didn't remember lifting held her constrained. Her words had fed my third want, my desire so powerful it was a need, and addiction, and now that third want ruled my body. I couldn't control it anymore.

"Bella, whatever you do, whatever you say, whoever you love, I will never stop wanting you." The words tore out of me, ripping savagely out, and I could feel my eyes burning. "Please... please..." I was now begging, pleading.

"I-" her eyes now shone with fear, and she glanced toward the door.

I could sense the fear inside of her, the fear of prey. But I would never—_never!_—hunt her. "I won't hurt you! I've never—I would never—"

"Yeah. I know." She chuckled darkly. "You wouldn't. You are such a strange vampire.

Then she let a tiny breath escape from her lips, and her body slumped slightly in my arms. "I'm so confused," she whispered, then she twisted in my arms, leaned up, and met my lips with hers.

It was bliss. Pure utopia.

My hands entangled themselves in her silky hair, pulling her closer, feverishly pouring the love of five empty years into that single moment. I felt her skin get warm under my hands and lips, but it did not tempt me. It never could, anymore. But it still warmed my skin, brought me so undeniably to the _present_...

Then she faltered.

It was only a small hitch in her breath, a tiny iota of regret in her eyes, her hands loosening a little, and her mouth pulling away, just a little.

I backed away, let her go. Her hands fell off of my body, where I suddenly realized they had been clutching, _wanting_ me too.

Her lips were slightly swollen, and she was panting. "Are you okay?" I asked, worriedly. She nodded wordlessly, staggering over to the bed and collapsing on it.

What was wrong? Had I hurt her? It had been so long—maybe I had misjudged how strong her body was. And the emotions in me had rendered my control powerless, so that they were let free—maybe it had been too much. I had never let go to that extent before. Panic rose in my mind as I thought of the possibilities. Had I broken one of her bones? Or—

"It's _fine_," she reiterated, a little more sharply. My anxiety must have shown on my face, and I calmed it rapidly, smoothing the creases and hoping she'd be okay with my expression. She didn't notice, however, and fell back against the bed.

"I've had a long day. Again," she spoke, wearily. "I'm going to sleep. Go or stay, I don't care."

I sat back down in the chair. There was only the one choice.

-

Time passed. I didn't know how long. I just sat there, gazing at her face, her fluttering eyelashes as her breathing speeded up, probably in a nightmare. I longed to comfort her, to hold her against me, to let her sleep in my arms like she had before. But my cold touch would probably have the opposite effect now. It would make her flinch away, wake up.

Still I wanted to do it.

Seconds, or hours, lulled past. When you were a vampire, it was difficult to measure time. It just existed, and you lived through it. It made no difference to you. I could sit here, in this chair, still as marble, until the world ended, and it wouldn't become monotonous. It would just be.

Yet she had always made me feel so... so _human_.

Right now, in her presence, it was more acute than anything I had ever experienced, even before we had been separated. It was a dual existence, both living in the moment, every moment alive and aware, and just as much living in the expanse of eternity. They were equal and coexistent, much the same thing. It is difficult to put into words time by the perspective of a vampire, for it is paradoxal. What, after all, concerning vampires isn't?

The urge became stronger. Harder to bear. It was as if she were a magnet, and I were an iron shaving, irrestitably lured towards her. And all the while, she was repelling me. I had to stay away, I repeated to myself, gripping the chair tightly, feeling the pliable wood give way under my fingers. _I have to stay away._

I did not even notice the transition. All I knew was only that I was not sitting in the chair, but on the bed, and that she was in my arms.

I held my breath, praying, hoping...

She twisted slightly in my grasp, turning up to reach a hand to graze across my chest, then let it fall slightly down to my waist. It lay, limply, curved around my midsection, then she settled again, with a small, wry half-smile upon her lips, eyes still closed.

I let out the breath, and the cool gust, slapping against her face, woke her up.

I froze again. _What would she say? She'll never forgive me..._

What came out of her lips was the last thing I would expect.

"Edward..." she sighed, voice thick with both sleep and emotion... love? Devotion? She pulled herself closer, letting her heat radiate into my skin, pressing her head onto my chest.

My hands held her smooth, small back delicately, but unsure. "Bella?"

She looked up and smiled dreamily. "You look more real this time, Edward. I wonder why?"

"Wha-"

She cut me off, speaking matter-of-factly. "It's probably because I've seen you when I was awake. Guess I was forgetting how you looked. Huh. I thought that would never have happened."

"Awake... Oh." The hopes I hadn't realized had been building up dropped. She thought she was dreaming.

"Yeah." She sighed. "Sorry about that... the whole thing. I don't really like him, you know."

My face must have shown my confusion. "Him?" An idea occurred to me. "You mean Zac?"

"No. The other Edward. The one in real life." She paused for a second, then let out an exasperated breath. "You're less omniscient than other times, too." She settled herself more comfortably on my lap, tightening her arms around my body. "You know. There's two of you. There's the real one, the one who's a player, the one who pretended to fall in love with me just for fun, damn him." Her voice grew bitter for a second.

"And then," she continued, "there's you. My imagination Edward. The one I always wanted, the one I thought I had for a while. The way you appeared to me, back then, and the way I always wished you could be. My perfect boyfriend who sparkled." She smiled sadly. "The one who only appears to me in my dreams."

I lay back, pulling her effortlessly with me, so that she lay across my chest. My throat was burning with despair and desire. "Bella, love, can't you--can't you believe that they are one at the same? That I'm me? I'm not perfect, I'm far from it, and I could never be. But I love you--love you with my life!"

She laughed shortly. "I know you do. You're what I want you to be, and I want you to love me." A tinge of sadness appeared in her eyes. "I love you. I'm in love with what I wish you could be."

Her eyes looked into mine knowingly. "I know what this is all about. You're mad I kissed the other Edward, aren't you?" She didn't let me speak. "Don't worry, Edward. I don't love him. I just--it's just because he reminds me of you."

I looked down, away from her eyes. How wrong she was, but at the same time, so right. Longing cracked my voice as I opened my mouth. "How I wish... that we could be together."

She pushed herself up, looking down at me for a couple moments. Then a whimsical gleam appeared in her eye. "If I kill myself, would we be together?"

I jumped up. "No! Bella! You can't!"

She sank down again, pushing me against the bed, and rolling over on top of me. "It was just a thought." Yet her face was contemplative, considering the idea."

I gripped her face in my palms. "Bella. Don't you. Ever. Think of doing that." I tried to speak sternly, but the horror of the idea colored my tone.

She shrugged. "There's not much in this world for me. Besides my commitment to the Angels." She looked up at me, amused. "Who would you have me stay for? The other Edward? I know you hate him. He's a dick. Or Zac?"

My mind traced the name. "Zac..." I murmured.

Her face twisted in pain, for the first time. "I don't know about him. I like him. A lot. And... if things had been different, I would wish I could be with him. I _want_ to be with him." She looked up at me. "I think I might love him." She let the words hang for a minute, then she dropped her head. "I don't know, though. I think I might just be using him, just like he said was wrong. To get over you. Even though we're not doing anything... I might be... You can use someone emotionally just as you can sexually."

"Bella..."

"I know what you're going to say. I'm going to have to do something about this. About all of this. The other Edward coming into my life, and the vampires--the rest of the Cullens, and Zac... But I don't know what. I don't know what to do." She buried her head in my chest. "I wish you could just tell me."

"I--I have to go." I couldn't stand this. It made me want to scream. I stood.

Her mouth curved downwards dejectedly. "Guess I'm waking up, then? Oh well. 'Bye."

I jerked her face to me suddenly, and kissed her, fiercely, ferociously. I didn't know if I was hurting her, but I couldn't stop. After a few seconds, I broke away, and, gasping for breath I didn't need, jumped out the window.

The sky was swirling, the purple and orange of dawn mixing with the black of night, ominous and heavy with a dark foreboding.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**BELLA**

Either way, when this was done, I was leaving the Angels.

It was when I was getting up, midmorning, putting on my makeup and chatting aimlessly with Zac, that I made this resolve. My hair was messy and I was pulling a brush through it, waiting for the straightener to warm up, that I decided this.

I couldn't do this anymore.

I couldn't be hard, emotionless. I did still agree that vampires desired death, but I couldn't be the one to dole it out.

I wasn't strong enough anymore.

I was falling apart.

I wouldn't do it now, not soon. I needed to deal with the Cullens, that much I was certain about. I couldn't run from that; it would just leave me alone when they came, and where would that leave me?

The kiss last night showed me this. I had succumbed, let my emotions come loose, let him control me once more. And I didn't know if it would happen again. It showed me how weak I was. And truly, I didn't really regret that. I didn't want to, but I didn't regret it. And so, I wasn't cut out for this life anymore.

We would do this last thing, though.

"Zac?" I turned, facing him, setting down the eyeliner.

He straightened up, smiling a little regretfully. "What is it?"

I sighed. "This isn't going to last, you know." By 'this', I meant everything, a relationship with him, the Angels, the Cullens, everything. I was a river in a drought, shrinking, attempting to hold on, but inevitably trickling into the earth and disappearing. And all that would be left would be the rut, a little indent in the earth.

He nodded slowly. "I know." Then anxiety twisted his face. "You're not going to him, are you?"

I shook my head. "No. I'm going to have to leave him. I'm not stupid. I know what he is. We'll go through with the plan. But we'll need to do it sooner than expected, and then... I'll need to leave."

He turned, but before doing so I could see the heart-wrenching expression of agony split his face. "I know," he mumbled.

I went to him, putting my arms around him from behind, massaging the muscles in his back. "Zac, I want to be with you. Really. But... he ruined me. With his touch, he froze me. I wouldn't be able to do it..."

He turned, holding my hands in his large ones. "Yes."

"But..." I took a breath. "Thank you. I want to... I wish I could stay here, with you... I wish you could leave with me..."

His face twisted with indecision. After a long pause, he said, voice rough, "I can't leave. I need to be here and kill them."

"Yeah." I leaned up and kissed his lips, but they were unresponding.

After a moment, I pulled away. I turned to leave the room, when I heard a snarl pull itself from his lips. "Fuck him," he said, the words harsh and cutting. I did not turn back. He would not want me to see him. "Fuck them all," he continued, getting louder. "They're not even supposed to be in this world. They're _dead_! They shouldn't exist. But they do. And because they do, they go in our world, our human world, ruining everything they touch...

"Celeste. Once I thought of finding her, as a vampire. Maybe the newborn lust would die down. But she wouldn't be mine anymore. She'd be a monster. A fucking, blood drinking, beautiful, unreachable girl. Who should have died however many years ago. Someone who wouldn't exist.

His voice died lower, so that I could only barely hear him. "They are responsible for everything. All the shit that happens. It's all their fault."

I couldn't say anything, and I slipped through the door, but not before whispering, "We'll kill them all."

-

We were in the trees. Behind them, far enough away that they couldn't smell us. Yet I knew they could sense us, and were waiting for us to emerge.

I looked down at the knife I clutched, and my stomach twisted at how I had gotten it. Werewolves weren't all that bad, they were almost human. And they hated vampires just as much as we did... But sometimes, you had to sacrifice in order to meet your needs. And werewolf tooth, other than vampire venom, was the only thing that could pierce that porcelain skin.

I remembered the howl, the scream of the werewolf's pain as we cut out his teeth, holding him down. He had done nothing, but we had to do it, we had to do it to reach our end... And these vampires, standing there on the lawn, they were once my friends...

They looked powerful, too, dangerous, and my weapon looked meager in contrast with their sharp reflexes. Our plan would work; it had to. But could we have been fooling ourselves? Could this all be the attempt of suicide?

_We've been seeing what you wanted,  
Got us cornered right now  
Falling asleep from our vanity  
May cost us our lives_

Was I so sure that suicide wasn't really what I wanted?

_I hear them getting closer  
Their howls are sending chills down my spine  
And time is running out now,  
They're coming down the hills from behind_

Or were my doubts perhaps stemming from something else? The cries of the innocents we had killed, those in the back of my mind? The Bella I knew was still fighting to get out, the weak, vulnerable one I was holding behind bars, deep inside my thoughts? And the werewolf, too, the werewolf I had killed so I could kill these monsters... how much less of a monster was I?

_When we start killing  
It's all coming down right now  
From the nightmare we've created  
I want to be awakened somehow  
(Wanna be awakened right now)_

This was a nightmare. I was a murderer; I had killed countless times. But these people, I had known them. They had been my family... and yet I had to kill. Why had I been put in this situation? _A tooth for a tooth..._ I glanced down again at the werewolf tooth in my tight fist. A nightmare...

_When we start killing  
It all will be falling down  
From the hell that we're in  
All we are is fading away  
When we start killing_

When he is dead, I will be gone. The last bit of Bella that still exists in me will be dead. Once I start killing, I will be gone, all I am is fading away. All that is left is this fierce, ruthless shell I have behind... Please let me out of this nightmare...

_We've been searching all night long  
But there's no trace to be found  
It's like they all have just vanished  
But I know they're around_

I was still there. The Bella I had been before he left me was still there, deep inside me. And yet I know I will kill her, the moment I sink this knife into his body...

I stepped out of the forest. I have to do this. I have to. Even if I am killing myself as I do so.

**EDWARD**

I heard Jasper's rapid thoughts. "Edward, we can take them easily, they're only humans. Emmett and I will hold them- we'll try not to kill them. But you need to get to Bella, prevent her from getting in the way. We can't- It would be hard..."

I nodded, almost inperceptively. Bella's eyes narrowed, and I knew she had caught it.

It was so strange to be on the opposite side from her.

Zac was standing slightly in front of Bella. I took a deep breath, and leapt at him.

Then I fell to the ground.

Images were flying at me, silver bullets, one after another as they pummeled into my chest, knocking me down.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

_Bella, a slight slip of a girl, probably a senior, walking back from the first day of school at Roberts High. Her head was down and her bag clutched to her chest, thin, white fingers clenched at the sides. She was staring down at the sidewalk, seeming as if every step was an effort. Her eyes were ancient with pain._

_Suddenly, a car passed her. Startled, she looked up and after the car as the dying notes of Claire de Lune faded off as it drove out of sight._

_"Edward," she breathed. Then her face went blank and she fell to the ground._

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

_"If you wish, you may join us." Keith was speaking the tall one, to Bella, whose tearstained face was torn with despair. "We have all been through the same ordeal you have. What is your name?"_

_She spoke, and her voice was ragged, broken. "My name was Bella Swan. She died a while ago, the day he left me in the woods."_

_. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ._

I let out a tortured cry as another memory swam up.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

_Bella was talking to Anita, and Zac was watching. Bella was older now, harder, and her hair was black. "They're hurt all of us," she spoke, "we all have scars on us, deep inside us, invisible yet throbbing. They are what makes us Angels. We know what they've done, and we're going to punish them for it."_

_Anita reached up, wiping away the stray tear from Bella's cheek, whispering, "Who did this to you?"_

_Bella's eyes tightened, and she opened her mouth._

_Then, the same memory I had remembered from Alice's vision. "Edward Cullen." Bella's voice twisted, righting with hatred and pain._

Zac replayed the memory inside his mind._ "Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen."_

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"No!" I felt myself moan. I heard Esme's concerned voice ask if I was okay, but I couldn't answer as the voice pounded in my head. _Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen._ I remembered every glare she had given me, every ounce of intense hate she had poured into every monosyllable. And I deserved every tearing pain, every twist of the knife in my back... "_My name was Bella Swan. She died a while ago, the day he left me in the woods."_ I had killed her, she was right, I was a murderer...

I could see a blur of something flying at me, from through my lashes, but I didn't bother to react. Any other time, I would have looked up, analyzed the situation, every sense on alert. But not, I couldn't, all I could hear, all I could _know_ was her voice, burning with hatred, saying my name over and over again. _"Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen."_

Suddenly, a soft weight and something cold at my jugular brought me back to reality. I was on the ground, on our front yard, and Bella was on top of me, holding an ivory knife to my throat. Her face was burning with something undefinable.

It took me a few seconds to realize what this meant. They had planned this... she had told them my power, and what would hurt me, and they had planned to distract me with Zac's thoughts so that I wouldn't be able to defend myself... And she was here, with a knife on my throat, _she was going to kill me_...

"This knife, unlike others, will cut into your 'indestructible' skin," she breathed, knowing all the vampires could hear. "Do you know what it is?"

I said nothing, holding still. Strangely enough, I felt... happy. Happy that I had her here, on my chest, that she was touching me, that she was close enough to me that I could hold her, kiss her...

She answered herself. "It is made of werewolf tooth. Werewolf fangs are the only thing that can cut into vampires, rip them apart, aren't they?" Her lips curled upward. I did not feel any fear, none at all, just the hope that the last thing I would be able to feel was her warm body on my chest...

I heard a small intake of breath from Jasper, and he took a silent step forward.

She instantly jerked around, still holding the knife to my throat. Her hair swung around, and her scent hit me... no longer tempting me, no longer making me thirst for her blood, but it made me thirst for _her_... "You come any nearer, Jasper, I kill him," she said in a calm voice.

Jasper froze.

"And don't worry," she added, still not looking at me, "I'm quite able to do it."

**BELLA**

It was a bluff, such a blatant bluff, though I hated to admit it even to myself. I could exert pressure, press the knife into his throat, yet I couldn't use the flawless technique I had used on Victoria or Laurent when they had come tracking me. The simple slash I had executed perfectly on the two Volturi guard who had come investigating, or the vampires that happened to wander across our city.

I couldn't slash inward, rip downward, using the built in lighter device to send the diamond-hard ivory aflame. I couldn't do it, because as much as I attempted to pretend otherwise, I was weak.

Weak enough to let him control me, just because he looked like my imaginary Edward I loved.

I had to do this, had to go through with the motions, the plan, had to provide the distraction. I blurred my intentions to confuse Alice, hoped Zac and the rest were hiding their thoughts- and plunged down into the neck, putting every bit of hate, every tear, every scream into the motion.

"No!" The cry came from either Alice or Esme, and Jasper stepped forward, eyes trained on Edward, the rest of his family stirring with tension.

I looked down for a fleeting instant, reassuring myself that he was fine, although the knife was buried in his neck. It was common knowledge that the vampire must be ripped apart, then burned, to actually kill. A simple stab would do nothing. It did nothing. He was fine. I hadn't killed him.

His eyes met mine, horror-filled for some reason-- the pain couldn't be hurting him, what was he trying to fake-- and I looked away, blinking away moisture. I shouldn't be feeling this... I should be able to do this, easily...

_Keep your head in the game._ I jerked my mind into a straight line and ignored Edward's stare, looking to confirm that the Cullens were sufficiently distracted-- every pair of eyes trained on the knife-- and I nodded once.

Instantly the Angels leaped, pulling out werewolf claws or knives of their own, sending them spinning, flying, into the apparently impenetrable bodies of the vampires. On their guard, vampire speed was such that they could easily pluck the weapons out of the air, yet I had distracted them enough that they couldn't react quickly enough. I had done it.

Gritting my teeth, I yanked the knife out of Edward's throat.

He didn't flinch or react when it left his skin, yet gasped as my fingertips grazed his neck accidentally. How confusing. And irritating.

And when he opened his mouth to speak, it was as cracked and broken as if I had actually killed him or something. As if I had betrayed his trust... "Bella- why-"

"Why did I plot to hurt your family?" I ripped the words out quickly, like I had memorized them. "Why did I stick that knife in your throat?" I spoke a little slower, as if there weren't a battle raging around us. Out of my peripheral vision, I could see Valentine and Eva splashing Rosalie with venom from little crystal bottles, Zac taunting Jasper, Derek and Keith throwing missiles at unguarded backs from a little outside the fray.

"If you haven't realized yet, Edward, your family has advantages we don't. We can take on a single one, or maybe two or three vampires, but seven is a bit out of our league. So we added the element of surprise."

Edward's eyes met mine, full of pain, yet completely gold, without a hint of onyx. "You did- that," he referred to the knife, "so you can... kill your own family?"

I jerked back a little. "They are _not_ my family," I snarled. "You really think I consider myself... with... you? That kiss... It wasn't anything."

His eyes softened wistfully. " I just... I just thought you might still feel... _some_ compassion."

I did. I felt terrible for what I had done. I had murdered vampires before, but I still had remains of feelings for _these_ vampires in me. But I had to do it, had to get him out of my life...

"And," he continued, "I would do- anything- for you to accept me again." His eyes shone with aged agony.

Before I could restrain myself, I slapped him--I probably hurt myself more than I did him--then yanked my hand back, blushing deeply. What a childish thing to do! I clenched my fist at my side, muttering, "I'm- I'm sorry..."

Edward's eyes burned with something indefinable, and I suddenly realized the position we were in. He was lying on the damp, fragrant grass, hands inches from my arms, unbuttoned shirt fallen open so that his bare, porcelain chest was exposed. I was lying across his chest, my hand on his collarbone where it had landed when I pushed him down, and my other was resting, almost automatically, on the side of his neck.

And I looked into his molted eyes, and it was as if I could watch a memory in them, a memory of another time we had lain in damp grass, and the sounds of the battle faded...

_"I want to try something," Edward breathed, leaning in to me._

Suddenly everything was gone, those things he had said to me in the forest, those five years of torture and empty despair, the furious wall I had kept up against him... they all disappeared, dissolved, and it was as if the flawed, lying Edward was gone and my hallucination appeared to take his place.

Halfway in the memory and halfway in the present, I lifted my lips up, to him. We were millimeters away and he was leaning down, also, hands tightening in my hair, pulling me closer...

Suddenly, I heard a yell, and twisted to see Zac gazing at me, horrorstruck, forgetting about his battle with Jasper. "No, Bella, don't let him-"

And in that second, Jasper caught him from behind. Zac's voice was abruptly cut off in a choke as Jasper's lethal, pale hand wrapped around his neck, almost gently, and snapped it back, snapping me back into brutal reality with one simple tightening of the fingers.

I forgot about anything, forgot about the raging battle still ensuing around me, forgot even about Edward's cool arm wrapped around my body. My vision suddenly went awry, focusing only on Zac's face, zooming in on the details; the tiny changes of expression, softening of the tense lines. It wasn't slow motion, like a football game or a movie, as the hero slowly falls back-- no, it was more like I could somehow notice everything with intense detail, like I had suddenly been granted vampire sight.

And I watched, frozen, as his neck snapped backwards at an unnatural angle, yet easily, like a dead twig splintering. I watched his face, a mere moment ago gazing at me in horror, now smoothing out the lines of worry and anxiety. And his bright, laughing eyes, mocking even in the strains of battle, yet always a tint of the compassion he had shown me when we were alone-- they dulled, the light disappearing out of them, like they had never been alive.

I didn't hear myself scream, nor felt myself knock away Edward's restraining hand with my hand with the werewolf knife. I didn't wonder if it had cut into his smooth, pale skin- though that would probably have given me much-needed vindictive pleasure. No, I couldn't think, couldn't feel, only stare with stunned, shocked fascination, as I flung myself away from Edward, to the-- the body.

Jasper let Zac drop, holding his hands out, palms up. "Bella, I'm- I'm sorry..."

I knocked him away, collapsing on Zac's body. "Get the hell away from me!" I screamed. "Don't touch me, you fucking bloodsucker!"

With my peripheral sense, I felt him withdraw.

Zac's black, deep, empty eyes stared up from beneath long lashes. I looked into them, remember how they had laughed at me, and stroked his still-warm lips, remembering how they had felt on mine. And I fell onto his bare chest, remembering how his strong arms had held me tightly as I cried, just as I was doing now.

What had I done?

No

No

It's all my fault

I kill everything I touch

I'm worse than them

No, God kill me now

kill me now

I did not realize, at first, with my senses dulled, that Edward's strong arms were pulling me away from the corpse. Then I felt his cool breath on my neck as he whispered, "Bella..."

And I knew, in that word, that my hallucination Edward was gone, and the real thing was back, as he always had been. How brutally, as Zac had said, does _"whoever holds the puppet strings will always find some way to get you back, and a hundred fold, for every moment of joy you ever experienced."_ And now he was gone, gone because I had been idiotic, chasing after a dream...

I twisted around, knowing my cheeks were tearstained and my eyes wild. "What do you want, Edward?" I screamed. "Do you want to kill me?" I laughed hysterically, reaching out with my hand and touching his lips, so close to my neck. "Go ahead, Edward! I don't care anymore!" My voice rose to a shriek. "Did you hear that? I DON'T CARE A FUCK ANYMORE!"

I reached to my side, trying to grab my werewolf knife. I didn't know who's body I wanted to plung it into--his or mine.

He gripped my wrist, and his eyes were wild as well with anxiety. "No! Bella, listen to me-"

I yanked my hand out, and he let his own fall back. "Why should I?" I returned, now mocking. "You killed him!" My voice rose again. The lines were blurring now between Edward and Jasper, merging together into one, hated figure. Vampire. It didn't matter if this specific one had actually committed the deed or not. "You killed him! Both of them!"

I felt more hands on my arms and shoulders, but I shook them off. "Both of them?" someone asked.

"Yes!" I shrieked. "You're a murderer! And you killed the other one-" I still couldn't say the name-- "The one I loved..." My voice now lowered to a whisper, "_Him__._" I wasn't sure if they knew who I meant, for it wasn't clear to me either, yet I saw the two of them as completely separate entities. The Edward that stood before me, a vampire, a killer, a liar and a player with emotions, and the _other one_, the one trapped in my imagination, the one that truly _loved_ me...

And he didn't exist.

I had been dreaming. Clutching to someone who had never been alive, who had just been lies.

I would never dream of him again.

Edward had killed him the same day he killed me, that day in the forest.

And the thought of that day swam back up in my mind, and I watched the memory as Edward turned and ran into the trees, _away from me_.

"Are you happy?" I screamed after the disappearing bronze head, voice ripped and torn with agony. "You've done it!" My lips curved into a horrible smile. "You've torn down my mask, my walls!" The image cleared to reveal Edward's face, inches away from me, twisted in horror and agony. "Do you like what you see? Do you like what I was hiding? Do you enjoy what you've done to me?"

His face fell down onto his chest, hands reaching up to grip his hair. "No, Bella, I- I love you- this is killing me- You're right, you're right about everything... I'm a monster..."

My voice was now gleefully harsh with scorn. "You love me? You say you love me?" I reached over and pulled his chin up, making him meet my eyes. "The girl you say you love is _dead_, Edward. DEAD!"

I pulled away, stumbling to Zac's motorcycle, and mounted it. No one moved to stop me, only stood there, shell-shocked. I didn't bother to count the few remaining Angels that were still standing. As I started the motor, I screamed, "Everything is DEAD!"

_The sun is rising  
The screams have gone  
Too many have fallen  
Few still stand tall  
Is this the ending  
Of what we've begun?  
Will we remember  
What we've done wrong?_

**The song is "The Howling" by Within Temptation. lol I love them.**


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**EDWARD**

How had we ever sunk so low?

I sat, crouched on the ground, head in hands. We had always done what we thought was right. We had always been the "good" vampires. But here, now, I looked at our spotless yard, and here were humans we'd destroyed.

Yes, they'd come to attack us. But that didn't matter. Their blood was on our hands.

I remembered the hatred I had felt for Zac. But now I couldn't. I looked on his dead body, with all its imperfections. Scars that would never heal. Mussed hair. His neck, twisted at an unnatural angle. Everything about him was human. Vulnerable, something soft that we could kill. And did.

Now all he was was a human.

There were several other bodies on the ground. A Latino girl, and a tall, dark male. I remembered him as the silent one.

And we had killed them. Monsters, we were. I cast no blame on the others of my family. I cast the blame on ourselves as our species. And on myself. A monster.

She had screamed at me that everyone was dead. And she was right. It had been a cycle of killing that no one could escape from. Killing and killing. There was nothing else anyone could do.

I was dead as well.

I walked away from the scene, and no one tried to stop me. Their thoughts were dulled, stunned by what had occurred. We had never, none of us, wanted to be killers. I did not look back at my family as I walked away. I wasn't sure when I would return, if I did. Maybe this whole farce had been impossible to keep up. I was destined to be a loner.

I walked through the woods, watching as my feet left neat footsteps, pushing down the ground in an even shape of my shoe. I reached out, to push a branch away from my face, and I suddenly felt a bright green, still unfolding leaf in my hand, sticky with sap and the underside furry with the soft down of a newborn foal.

I squeezed my hand shut, and felt it disintegrate into powder.

And I dropped the remains on the ground as the last ray of light died beneath the horizon.

-

It was some time before I found her.

She was sprawled out on the ground, staring up at the empty, black sky. Her dyed-black hair was matted and bloody, but it still looked appallingly beautiful as it draped around her head on the ground. Her clothes, were, as well, stiff with dried blood, but she seemed to be completely conscious and calm. I wasn't sure if she had noted my presence, but I sat down noiselessly beside her body.

It was then that I realized that the motorcycle she had ridden on was crashed, wrapped around the tree she lay beside. Part of it was completely bent, as if it had been smashed into the tree at a blinding speed. The bark, as well, was darkened with a painful bruise that matched that covering her arm.

"I rode the motorcycle into the tree." Her voice was abrupt, and just as empty as it was before.

I did not look over at her. "I know."

"I think I was trying to kill myself."

My eyes were, unwillingly, drawn to her, and she was staring at me, smiling slightly. "Do you want to be dead?"

The crease in the middle of her forehead tightened. "I don't know."

Then I touched her. I reached out to stroke her arm, and she did not flinch away. Then I gathered her up in my arms, holding her close. I knew my body was cold, could never provide warmth to her like another's could. I knew I was insufficient. But it was the only thing I could do.

She did not cry. In fact, she did not even seem to be holding back tears. The screams that had exploded out of her in the yard seemed to have all died out. She did not melt into my arms like she might have, before, but she did not draw away, either.

After a while she looked up at me, and said clearly, "I killed him."

I let a breath out. "No, Bella. You didn't do anything wrong. Everything was my fault."

Her face twisted. "Damn you, don't start your fucking apologizing again. I don't want to talk about that."

I looked down. "Then what do you mean?"

"I mean... I can't judge you. You did things wrong. But I did them too. I hated you for what you did to me. But I did the same to him. We hated you for being vampires... for being monsters... but really, we kill people too. We hurt them." Her hand went down to her side, where her knife used to be.

"I don't care what you say. I am a monster."

She shrugged. "That may be true." She straightened herself a little, pulling a little away to toss back her hair, before she continued. "I remember how before I used to think how perfect before. How you could do nothing wrong. Well, now I've been kind of disillusioned." She laughed mockingly. "I remember I thought of you as a Greek god.

"And even after you left. I still dreamt of you. I imagined that there was still an Edward out there who lived up to my expectations. Who wasn't a stuck up dick who thought he could rule the world, who played with a girl's emotions, whether or not he thought he was doing what was best for her..."

She sighed, and relaxed back into my arms. "But now... Now I realize that that doesn't exist. It can't exist. There is no one out there like that. Girls would love him to be, and I'm sure they're all imagining that there is the perfect guy out there. But there isn't. And eventually, we'll all have to find that out."

She reached her hand up and smoothed my tousled, so unhumanly perfect bronze hair back, out of my eyes. "I'm starting to think that might be okay."

My breath hitched. "What?"

Some of her hair fell back in her face. "Even after I said I was so cynical. I still believed things could be okay. I started to trust God, or Fate, or whatever, thinking that he wouldn't fuck things up. And Zac was right, in a way, it all comes down to the fact that your kind shouldn't exist. But I think things would still be fucked up without you...

"I can't believe that he's dead. Jasper killed him so easily..." Then, she did begin to cry. She sobbed into my chest, yet no tears came. I held her, tightly. Before, I would have kissed it all away, attempting to dazzle her into forgetfulness and happiness. But that was then. Now, I would let her cry.

"Shh," I murmured. "You're right. He's dead. And we shouldn't exist. We shouldn't be able to kill someone that easily... to ruin someone's life..."

"No." She looked up, eyes red now, mascara rubbed off, so that some of her brown lashes showed. "That's not what I meant to say. I mean... shit happens. And it is someone's fault, usually. But we've got to move past that... we've got to survive." She looked at the dark bruise on the tree. "Maybe I feel like a monster, now, more than you. 'Cause I've done some pretty bad things. But--but I can still try..."

Then I did kiss her, but a soft kiss, barely touching her lips before I pulled away. But against them, before I did, I whispered, "You're never a monster."

She looked up at me. "I believe you, you know. What you said, about you leaving."

I didn't know what to say to that. "Oh." Then I bit my lip, what a stupid thing to say.

"I guess I did a while ago. I just... I don't know."

Then we fell silent, leaning against the tree she had attempted to kill herself on. She didn't fall asleep, but closed her eyes, and her slightly uneven breathing lifted her chest. I watched her, and I watched the black, empty night.

It was not perfect. There was no such thing as perfection, as she had said.

But it was right.

And as she turned over in my arms, and her breathing slowed so I knew she had finally fallen asleep as the sun began to rise, a piece of paper fluttered out of her clothes. I picked it up, and began to unfold it, then decided it didn't matter. It dropped from my unnaturally white fingers, and I watched as a small gust of wind took it away.

We would survive.

**disillusionment**

before, I imagined you an angel  
my guardian god, sent from above  
I imagined you perfect, pure as your skin  
and my outlook affected my love

no one's perfect, haven't you heard  
darkness and light in every man  
I persuaded myself you were the exception  
and thus invited, disillusionment began

but could it be, that now I know  
you really aren't all that good  
will I be able to convince myself  
to love as before I easily could?

light and dark, equal and beautiful  
somehow together they make you more real  
tangible, someone I can touch  
and know exactly what I feel

my blind trust is gone forever  
and so is my infinite devotion for you  
but perhaps, maybe, with time  
I may come to love more what is true

FIN

**I've decided I don't want to include the epilogue, as it ends well here. I did have another poem I wanted to include but don't know where and writing more would just stretch it on. If you want, PM me or review and I'll send it to you.**

**As always poem by me, 'Disillusionment'.**


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